Oct18

Rewritten Headlines: Dead Baby to Slavery

by tonyd on October 18, 2013 at 12:01 am

Mom of the Year Loves Sexy Underwear

Everything Now on Barbie

Scientists Ruin Folktale

Pretend Crisis Over

Remains of Old Man Discovered

Turns Out, it’s Not the Cigarettes

Possibly the Only Thing Shittier Than iOS Upgrade

Even Terrorists’ Girlfriends Won’t Just Let Them Work

Americans Run Out of Money for Ho-Ho’s

Cheap Crap You Bought Probably From Haiti

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Oct16

Twitter in Focus: Katie Aselton

by tonyd on October 16, 2013 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant is Katie Aselton from the League.  Originally, I was going to examine the tweets of a punk pornstar, but without the pictures, pornstars can be pretty boring.  Katie is not and just as sexy.  And although there probably won’t be any nude twit pics, Katie is on one of the funniest FXX shows.  Let’s look at her naked tweets.

@duplaselton

October 8th:  “why do babies and dogs always feel the need to lock eyes with you when they poop? it’s super rude.”

It’s their version of the O face.

October 9th:  “Heading in to do on E! It seems early for exclamation points, but maybe by tonight at 10pm you’ll be ready. ”

Cute pic.  Kind of like a record album cover.

October 9th:  “I’m so glad I got my car washed yesterday. ”

You are unlucky, as I assume you’re in L.A.

October 9th:  “did you know i’m on intstagram? i am. @katieaselton. follow me! i don’t post pictures of babies, puppies or food. i’m kinda the coolest.”

No breakfast pics?  Forget it.

October 10th:  “Guys who Chapstick in public.”

Some of us chafe easily.

October 10th:  “Doing what I do, this is what a working mom looks like. ”

Giggity.

October 10th:  “I mean, not all the time… Just after hours of hair and makeup. ”

No one really wants their mom to look that good.  Then your friends want to constantly hang out at your house for “no reason”.

October 10th:  “I still can’t find my arm guys, if you see it anywhere… “: Our special effect budget doubled for this ””

What the Hell is happening on the Soup?  And how is it still on the air?

October 12th:  “It makes more sense that Michael Douglas’ cancer was of the tongue. Throat cancer from cunnilingus just scares my vagina.”

Still not clear on why he had to lie about that.  Doesn’t seem like tongue or throat made much of a difference if he already revealed his deal with going down town.

October 12th:  “I would like to apologize to my niece, nephew and cousins under 18 who read my last tweet. ”

I’m sure your various younger relatives laugh at your attempt to censor the Internet.

October 14th:  “I think this is when was talking about fingering babies… @thelauguefxx ”

That’s the one you should apologize for.

October 14th:  “I have a major shoe crush on these bad boys. ”

Woman posts shoe pic?  Shocking.

October 14th;  “I’m about to hang with my old pal Regis… ”

Take his toupee and run.

8 hours ago;  “”If I don’t talk about lipgloss and dresses soon, I am going to lose my flipping mind!” -me on day 3 of press. ”

Would posting more sexy pics help?  We’ll do our part and look at them.

6 hours ago;  “Working super hard doing press w @steveranazzisi ”

Keep doing the press.  The League is full of awesome.

Okay, let’s rate Katie’s tweets.  I give her a 7 for Insanity, an 8 for Mustness and a 10 for Style.  That’s an overall score of 8.3, but I’m rounding it up to a 9 for the pics.  Also, watch the League.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

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Oct14

Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies

by tonyd on October 14, 2013 at 12:01 am

When it comes to movies, I gotta watch what I spend.  There’s so many films, it’s easier to cross ones off your list ahead of time to thin the herd. Here now is why I’m not seeing these movies.

Captain Phillips:  This only happened four years ago.  Although it’s probably a well-made flick, if I really want to find out about real events, I’ll watch a documentary.

Runner Runner:  AKA: Handsome dudes fight each other.  Hey Timberlake and Affleck, I don’t care if you want a quick vacation on the studio’s dime, but don’t make me watch it.  Pass.

Baggage Claim:  These kinds of romantic comedies do nothing for me.  They build upon a weak premise and usually have a ending I can see coming from a mile away.  Choo-choo!  Here comes the ending!  Woo-woo!  See it coming down the tracks?!

Carrie:  Eh.  They made this movie.  I wasn’t even all that interested in seeing it the first time.  I mean, do we really need to spend this kind of money on something that’s already been done?  Moving on.

The Fifth Estate:  When the guy you’re playing writes a letter telling you the book it’s based on is a lie, well, you be the judge.  Following the real life WikiLeaks is far more interesting, despite the lead’s considerable talent.

Escape Plan:  In the 80’s, this probably would’ve been one of the biggest movies ever made.  Now it just looks kind of sad.  I’ll wait for Netflix.

Bad Grandpa:  As much as I love the Jackass movies, this looks kinda lame to me.  I mean, I get it, but I’m not sure what will even be real.  It feels like a reality show.   To me, the whole point of the Jackass movies were that the guys in them were at least aware of what they were doing.  They were just trying to entertain you and not trying to be clever.  I don’t think I can take two hours of a bit they did for two minutes in Jackass.

Free Birds:  Is there a new animation factory somewhere churning out cartoon movies based on one-sentence pitches?  Pixar is so awesome, but now every studio thinks they can do the same thing.  Eh.

Last Vegas:  Old guys do the Hangover.  Not a chance.  Pass.

The Hunger Games:  Catching Fire:  Unless I hear Jennifer Lawrence is doing full frontal nudity, there is no chance in Hell I’m sitting through another two hours of this.  Fucking Christ.  I’d like to go back in time and erase the Twilight Books and all their teenage literary bretheren out of existence.  And then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t have to sit through commercials for the Tomorrow People either.

Old Boy:  The original Old Boy is brilliantly messed up film.  I don’t know what Spike Lee is thinking.  I’d bet good money they’ll have to change the shocking ending for American audiences, but that’s the whole point really, so why bother remaking it at all, I say.

Sigh.  Maybe I’ll just go see This is the End again.

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Oct13

Your Fratoscope: October 13, 2013

by tonyd on October 13, 2013 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:  You will get a lot of presents in one box.  Hope you like bees!

Aries:  Your “Twerk and Perk” coffee/dance cafe will be a failure.

Taurus:  You will find out that when your girlfriend says she wants you to go “downtown”, she actually means that and not for you to put her head in her lap on the subway.

Gemini:  Turns out, the gypsy is off by one letter.  You’re actually going to win some the pottery.

Lemini:  The stars say, stay off the beach.  If you get washed out to sea, they’ll never find your body.

Cancer:  You will mistakenly smoke a box of candy cigarettes and give your lungs diabetes.

Leo:  Your goldfish will make a break for it and be forced to drive your car in a lake to breathe.

Virgo:  You will be visited by the ghosts of three spirits, all of whom will insist you’re not a very good host.

Libra:  You will spend an unproductive day stuck in traffic in Grand Theft Auto V.

Scorpio:  You’ll spot an old friend on one of your toilet cams.

Sagittarius:  Change the batteries in your flashlight, that way you’ll be able to see the zombies when they come for you.

Capricorn:  You will be haunted by the ghost of all the French Toast you’ve ever had.

Aquarius:  This week, watch out for gorillas pretending to be humans dressed as gorillas.  They’re learning.

Pisces:  The stars say, order the salad you fat fuck.

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