If your birthday is this week:  You will get a lot of presents in one box.  Hope you like bees!

Aries:  Your “Twerk and Perk” coffee/dance cafe will be a failure.

Taurus:  You will find out that when your girlfriend says she wants you to go “downtown”, she actually means that and not for you to put her head in her lap on the subway.

Gemini:  Turns out, the gypsy is off by one letter.  You’re actually going to win some the pottery.

Lemini:  The stars say, stay off the beach.  If you get washed out to sea, they’ll never find your body.

Cancer:  You will mistakenly smoke a box of candy cigarettes and give your lungs diabetes.

Leo:  Your goldfish will make a break for it and be forced to drive your car in a lake to breathe.

Virgo:  You will be visited by the ghosts of three spirits, all of whom will insist you’re not a very good host.

Libra:  You will spend an unproductive day stuck in traffic in Grand Theft Auto V.

Scorpio:  You’ll spot an old friend on one of your toilet cams.

Sagittarius:  Change the batteries in your flashlight, that way you’ll be able to see the zombies when they come for you.

Capricorn:  You will be haunted by the ghost of all the French Toast you’ve ever had.

Aquarius:  This week, watch out for gorillas pretending to be humans dressed as gorillas.  They’re learning.

Pisces:  The stars say, order the salad you fat fuck.