If your birthday is this week: Your dog will buy you a nice gift, but use your credit card to purchase it.
Aries: The stars say, stop changing the channels and pick something to watch for Christ’s sake.
Taurus: The sudden realization that you have never been curling makes you sad.
Gemini: Robert Irvine will burst into your kitchen and yell at you for being an unprofitable cook.
Lemini: You’ll be hit in the face with mace. Not the spray, but the medieval club.
Cancer: During a kegger, one of the kegs get punctured, but thanks to your alcoholism, not one drop of beer is wasted.
Leo: You will be the victim of a victimless crime.
Virgo: You find out that when you sleepwalk, you also give prostate exams.
Libra: You will enjoy a cracker-based snack while watching TV.
Scorpio: You will be coated in cheese at least twice this week.
Sagittarius: This week, you will run out of coasters. Maybe you should just use the same glass over and over.
Capricorn: Your boss will fire you, but he’ll sing a song while doing so.
Aquarius: You will receive a sensual back massage from a furniture salesman.
Pisces: The ghost of Genghis Khan will whisper to you a recipe for spicy chicken. It will taste like shit.
