If your birthday is this week:  Your dog will buy you a nice gift, but use your credit card to purchase it.

Aries:  The stars say, stop changing the channels and pick something to watch for Christ’s sake.

Taurus:  The sudden realization that you have never been curling makes you sad.

Gemini:  Robert Irvine will burst into your kitchen and yell at you for being an unprofitable cook.

Lemini:  You’ll be hit in the face with mace.  Not the spray, but the medieval club.

Cancer:  During a kegger, one of the kegs get punctured, but thanks to your alcoholism, not one drop of beer is wasted.

Leo:  You will be the victim of a victimless crime.

Virgo:  You find out that when you sleepwalk, you also give prostate exams.

Libra:  You will enjoy a cracker-based snack while watching TV.

Scorpio:  You will be coated in cheese at least twice this week.

Sagittarius:  This week, you will run out of coasters.  Maybe you should just use the same glass over and over.

Capricorn:  Your boss will fire you, but he’ll sing a song while doing so.

Aquarius:  You will receive a sensual back massage from a furniture salesman.

Pisces:  The ghost of Genghis Khan will whisper to you a recipe for spicy chicken.  It will taste like shit.