If your birthday is this week: Your birthday gift will be a special implant that allows your inner voice to sound just like Morgan Freeman.
Aries: Turns out, your neighbor is a witch but she isn’t the one stealing your newspaper.
Taurus: You will learn how to spell Joaquin Phoenix just in time. He corners you in an elevator and demands you spell it.
Gemini: You will be manhandled by a gnome.
Lemini: Your doctor may be lying to you, which would explain why the Make a Wish Foundation keeps calling and asking what you want.
Cancer: The stars say, your theory about being able to sneak into the work more quiet without pants is totally true.
Leo: You’ll get some awesome security footage of your Cancer co-worker sneaking around the office pantless.
Virgo: You will be honored by a group of homeless guys for your innovations in public drunkenness.
Libra: You will find out that your years of watching King of the Hill doesn’t make you any more prepared for a propane fire.
Scorpio: Your lobbying to keep the sex shop open during the holidays fails.
Sagittarius: Wake up. You’re reading this in your sleep.
Capricorn: A goat will eat your driver’s license and later, a cop refuses to look at the goat turd you pull out of your wallet.
Aquarius: The producer that has been running the reality show centered on your life tells you, you’ve been replaced.
Pisces: Your collesterol spikes to 20,000 and you won’t have to eat again until 2014.
