If your birthday is this week:   Your birthday gift will be a special implant that allows your inner voice to sound just like Morgan Freeman.

Aries:  Turns out, your neighbor is a witch but she isn’t the one stealing your newspaper.

Taurus:  You will learn how to spell Joaquin Phoenix just in time.  He corners you in an elevator and demands you spell it.

Gemini:  You will be manhandled by a gnome.

Lemini:  Your doctor may be lying to you, which would explain why the Make a Wish Foundation keeps calling and asking what you want.

Cancer:  The stars say, your theory about being able to sneak into the work more quiet without pants is totally true.

Leo:  You’ll get some awesome security footage of your Cancer co-worker sneaking around the office pantless.

Virgo:  You will be honored by a group of homeless guys for your innovations in public drunkenness.

Libra:  You will find out that your years of watching King of the Hill doesn’t make you any more prepared for a propane fire.

Scorpio:  Your lobbying to keep the sex shop open during the holidays fails.

Sagittarius:  Wake up.  You’re reading this in your sleep.

Capricorn:  A goat will eat your driver’s license and later, a cop refuses to look at the goat turd you pull out of your wallet.

Aquarius:  The producer that has been running the reality show centered on your life tells you, you’ve been replaced.

Pisces:  Your collesterol spikes to 20,000 and you won’t have to eat again until 2014.