If your birthday is this week:
Aries: You will discover that although it’s more efficient to eat and poop at the same time, you’d prefer to keep those things separate.
Taurus: You will prove to the local cops that it is possible to get into a car accident with a boat in mid-sail.
Gemini: You’ll discover that punching the animals at the petting zoo is against the rules.
Lemini: Your local dining establishment will unveil their newest sandwich named after you: “The Dickhead with Cheese”.
Cancer: You will finally start cleaning up after that New Year’s Eve party.
Leo: McDonald’s lawyers put a court order stopping your lunch after you put Thousand Island dressing on your hamburger.
Virgo: The stars say, no you can’t borrow $300. The stars aren’t made of money.
Libra: Your gypsy fortune teller will finally admit she’s taking prediction-enhancing steroids.
Scorpio: Your sensual visit to the wax museum leaves you coated in a thin film.
Sagittarius: You will wake up with a receipt for a blimp, a large inflatable target and sixteen little people.
Capricorn: You will test a new flavor of wings called “Carpet & Grit”.
Aquarius: This week, most of your work will involve keeping that annoying bison away from the office.
Pisces: You will finally figure out that song in the video game commercial.
