If your birthday is this week:

Aries:  You will discover that although it’s more efficient to eat and poop at the same time, you’d prefer to keep those things separate.

Taurus:  You will prove to the local cops that it is possible to get into a car accident with a boat in mid-sail.

Gemini:  You’ll discover that punching the animals at the petting zoo is against the rules.

Lemini:  Your local dining establishment will unveil their newest sandwich named after you: “The Dickhead with Cheese”.

Cancer:  You will finally start cleaning up after that New Year’s Eve party.

Leo:  McDonald’s lawyers put a court order stopping your lunch after you put Thousand Island dressing on your hamburger.

Virgo:  The stars say, no you can’t borrow $300.  The stars aren’t made of money.

Libra:  Your gypsy fortune teller will finally admit she’s taking prediction-enhancing steroids.

Scorpio:  Your sensual visit to the wax museum leaves you coated in a thin film.

Sagittarius:  You will wake up with a receipt for a blimp, a large inflatable target and sixteen little people.

Capricorn:  You will test a new flavor of wings called “Carpet & Grit”.

Aquarius:  This week, most of your work will involve keeping that annoying bison away from the office.

Pisces:  You will finally figure out that song in the video game commercial.