If your birthday is this week: Although you’ve been horrible this year, after Santa’s sleigh side swipes you in a parking lot, you get some great gifts if you promise not to turn it into insurance.
Aries: You finally learn to spell Hanukkah, but then you forget.
Taurus: The stars say, the lines in the store are long because you do your shopping on the way to visit your relatives on Christmas Day.
Gemini: Jack Frost will nip at your nose and you will be the shit out of that touchy fucker.
Lemini: You’ll spend a lonely holiday watching the Green Lantern movie. It doesn’t get any better. The movie, not your holiday.
Cancer: You holiday will jingle-jingle, but not jangle.
Leo: The sweaters you get this year for Christmas are much less uglier than the previous year. So there’s that.
Virgo: You will be taken to the hospital with a near-fatal nog overdose.
Libra: Frosty the Snowman will come to life on your front lawn, then trip and sue you for damages. Fortunately, he melts halfway through the lawsuit.
Scorpio: You will have a sensual encounter with an elf.
Sagittarius: You will finally get your big break in comedy, mainly because no one else in the soup kitchen has anything else to do other than listen to you.
Capricorn: You will find a reindeer carcass with a red nose has been blocking your chimney this entire time.
Aquarius: You will be stalked by a mall Santa until you agree to sit on his lap.
Pisces: You presents are the same as every year: ham, ham, ham!
