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Apr14

Life Skills for Fanboys: Traveling to Cons on the Cheap

by tonyd on April 14, 2014 at 12:01 am

SF Tony Avatar

Life Skills for Fanboys: Traveling to Cons on the Cheap

written by Tony DiGerolamo, Copyright 2014

To further my goal of helping fellow fanboys, I have included an index of links of previous columns with their topics.  Don’t take it personal, I’m just trying to help.  Previous columns are indexed at the end.

When Money is Tight…

You gotta make some cutbacks, especially to luxury trips like visiting cons.  Now, for yours truly, a con is usually a business trip.  I can write stuff off and make money at the same time.  But for the average fanboy, cons can be a deep, dark money pit that leaves precious little to buy stuff.  I’m a little short on time this week, so here are a few quick tips to cut corners at the con.

1.  Get a free badge:  The easiest way is to become a volunteer.  Unfortunately, this may take up the better part of your weekend.  And if you really don’t want to be a volunteer, you should be one and then do it half-ass.  But getting a free badge is easy if you know a creator.  Typically, a comic creator gets two badges with his or her table.  If the creator is alone, you can volunteer your time.  A one-person creator team basically needs to get from their car to the table, a few breaks for bathroom and finally help packing up at the end of the weekend.  Creators usually get two badges and it’s a pretty fair trade if you can do that and enjoy the con the rest of the time.

2.  A place to stay:  Couch surfing is A number one.  A friend near the con is the most convenient.  Unless you want to sleep in the car, the next best bet is to look for a hotel outside the radius of the con.  The longer and bigger the con, the further you might have to drive.  For instance, Dragon Con hotels are booked in Atlanta, but if you’re willing to drive from Marietta (about ten minutes away), you’ll get a much better deal.

Also, cheap hotels are best.  They usually have free wifi, while the more expensive hotels tend to charge because they figure their patrons can afford it.  Plus, since you’ll be spending most of the time at the con, you just need a basic room.  Any of the after con activities probably won’t require a hotel room in the host hotel.

Crashing with other fans is a possibility if you know how to network and you know a lot of other fans.  It is customary to split the room if you do, but it’s usually pretty cheap if you split it, say, six ways.

Most hardcore fans:  Once, when I was at the San Diego Comic Con, I met some punk fans who slept in the park.  I wouldn’t recommend it, unless you’re with a good group that understands the importance of standing guard!

3.  The food:  For God’s sake, convention hall food and hotel restaurant are almost always overpriced.  You know this, so plan ahead.  If you pack your lunch and smuggle it in, you’ll save a ton.  If you’re bringing a bag or a comic box, make sure you have a place for food and drink.  The guards might flag you if you carry it in the open, but not if it’s in a closed container.  I was at a show once where it happened, so just throw a bunch of junk comics over top and you’ll probably be fine.

Big Tip:  Find the Green Room:  The green room is sometimes for fans and sometimes for just volunteers and guests, it depends on the con.  If there is a green room, you can save yourself some money by getting food for free.

4.  Hold your purchases until the last day:  Bargains are on the last day.  Most dealers are willing to barter a little, but if they’re having a bad weekend they’ll practically give stuff away to break even on Sunday.  I’ve done it.  You might miss out on something new, but if you’re looking for a bargain, Sunday is your day.  And never be afraid to politely ask for a deal.  You never know what a creator might say to make the next ten bucks.

5. Travel by mass transit or car pool:  Just like you can crash in a fellow fan’s hotel room, you can often find a ride to and from the show.  Us the Internet to connect to fellow fans.  Depending on the size of the show, conventions are often located near mass transit to help increase attendance.

6.  Freebies:  Cons often have freebies.  I got tons of free game samples at Gen Con one year.  For comic book shows, you can get a ton of free comics if you’re not too choosey about what you read.  Don’t get too cocky about the freebies, though.  If you’re in artists’ alley, there are NOT a lot of freebies.  (Although you can collect a lot of links to new webcomics.)

Anyhow, that’s all for this week!

Previous Columns
Obesity at Cons
The Art of Conversation
Grooming The Line Between Fans and Pros
Geek Elitism
Convention Panels
Convention Volunteers
Food Gifts Women and Cons
Get Your Room Party Together
Stop Bringing Your Kids to Cons
The Face of Geek Needs Work
Fixing the Face of Geek
Franchise Worship
Presenting Your Project
The New Image?
Stop Trying to Make Geek Cool
 Rethinking the Comic Book Con
Zombie Stories Should Still Be About People
Geek Stereotypes and the Big Bang Theory

Con Locations

└ Tags: cheap, comic book cons, convention center, conventions, food, free badges, freebies, Gen Con, hotel room, Life Skills for Fanboys, mass transit, purchases, Sunday, Super Frat, Tony DiGerolamo, travel
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Apr13

Your Fratoscope: April 13, 2014

by tonyd on April 13, 2014 at 12:01 am

FratoScopeHeader

If your birthday is this week:  Your family treats you to a night out, mostly so they don’t have to hang out with you.

Aries:  Your family holds an intervention so you stop getting so emotionally invested in the characters from A Game of Thrones.

Taurus:  Your butter is moldy, but the store is far away, so you just cut off the outside and butter your toast.

Gemini:  They’ll be no parking space for you anywhere near the place you want to be.

Lemini:  As a sadomachiost, you will be greatly amused by a gift of kneepads.

Cancer:  The rest of the Cancers will get together and politely ask you to switch to another Zodiac sign.

Leo:  The stars say, mow your lawn, you lazy shit.

Virgo:  You will get an angry text from yourself in the future that says, “Jesus Christ, stop eating so much shit!”

Libra:  You will discover that there really is no such thing as “diet ice cream” especially in the amounts you eat.

Scorpio:  You will find out later that you weren’t meant to have sex with the person who delivered your erotic-gram.

Sagittarius:  Your Scorpio girlfriend takes your erotic-gram a little too far.

Capricorn:  You’ll be sued by a Sagittarius over your erotic-gram business.

Aquarius:  You’ll be fired by your Capricorn boss from your erotic-gram delivery job.

Pisces:  You’ll call, but the erotic-gram delivery service is out of business.

└ Tags: Aquarius, Aries, astrology, Cancer, Capricorn, comedy, frat boy, funny, future, Gemini, horoscope, humor, Lemini, Leo, Libra, Pisces, predictions, psychic, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Super Frat, Taurus, Tony DiGerolamo, Virgo, Your Fratoscope, zodiac
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Apr12

Tony D’s Rejected Comedy Samples: Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 to Limbo

by tonyd on April 12, 2014 at 12:01 am

SF Tony Avatar

I feel bad for the people of that flight.  But at least they don’t have to listen to the incessant non-coverage on every God damned news channel. Technically, this isn’t rejected, as I am writing it right now. But really, how topical will this be in a year? Let’s hope not very.

Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 to Limbo

written by Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 2014

KEY:  March 8, 2014

INT. FLIGHT 370-DAY

The plane begins to shake.  The PASSENGERS make sounds of alarm and then suddenly there is a BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT.  When the light recedes, all is calm and the ANGEL GABRIEL stands before the confused passengers and crew.  Gabriel is a thin, but well built shirtless man in a pair of white capri pants.  He has fluffy, white wings and a self-satisfied expression.

GABRIEL
Ladies and gentlemen, please put your tray
tables in their upright positions and don your
air masks!  Ha-ha!  (and then)  No, seriously.
That’s not necessary.  I’m the angel, Gabriel
and I am here to welcome you to Heaven.  Well,
eventually.  Right now you’re all in Limbo.
I’ll take questions now.

A confused YOUNG HINDU WOMAN raises her hand first.

GABRIEL
Yes. You, cutie.

HINDU WOMAN
Are we…dead?

GABRIEL
(embarrassed)
Yeah, sorry. (suddenly cheerful) But, hey,
we spared all your pain and suffering. That’s
what the white light does. Didn’t feel a thing
right?

A unsure, but confirmed murmur ripples throughout the plane. A guy with a BIKER MUSTACHE suddenly finds his confidence and raises his hand.

BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
Wait a minute. What kind of Heaven are
we going to? Doesn’t our religions
matter?

A worried murmur ripples through the plane. Gabriel rolls his eyes.

GABRIEL
Relax, Easy Rider. Your all God’s children.
Everyone gets into Heaven.

A NUN raises her hand.

NUN
But what about religion, is it—

GABRIEL
All wrong. Sorry. Just all bullshit,
I’m afraid.

The pilot walks in front behind Gabriel. The passengers boo him.

PILOT
I am very sorry.

GABRIEL
(defending him)
Hey-hey, people. You’re about to get
your Eternal reward. Don’t blow it now.
Besides, wasn’t his fault. It was
mechanical failure. Some mechanic on
the ground lost his girlfriend in a car
accident. Missed a bad fuel line and
boom, it all went to Hell. Unlike you!

A STEWARD with a door handle stuck through his eye raises his hand.

STEWARD
(pointing to eye)
Um, about this…

GABRIEL
Ew, I know, I know. Don’t worry.
Once we get to Heaven, you’ll be
in one piece, ‘kay? Listen, I gotta
check in with the big guy. You don’t
have to eat, sleep or go to the bathroom
any more. Just hang tight and we’ll
be in Heaven soon.

PILOT
When?

GABRIEL
God doesn’t like a lot of negative vibes
in Heaven. And sensational stories like
yours tends to create that. But don’t
worry, give it a week and it’ll blow over.
Your loved ones will grieve and we can
get the party started, okay? Until then,
here.

Gabriel waves his hand and an iPad 1 appears in everyone’s hand.

GABRIEL
Plenty of Heaven Apps, courtesy of Steve
Jobs. Should answer all your questions
until we can move, okay? I’ll be back!
Skittles!

Gabriel disappears in a puff of glitter. The passengers start tapping their iPads.

KEY: ONE WEEK LATER

INT. FLIGHT 370-DAY

Gabriel reappears.

HINDU WOMAN
Finally.

PILOT
Hey, everyone! It’s time to go to Heaven!

The plane erupts in cheers, but Gabriel gestures for the passengers and crew to calm down.

GABRIEL
(embarrassed)
Yeah, about that. Looks like it was a
slow news week. The news has really been
dragging out the crash.

A dissatisfied murmur rumbles through the plane.

GABRIEL
I know, I know. It’s weird, but
check your iPads. Jobs just did an
upgrade, you can watch the news back
on Earth and followed what happened.
Give it another week, tops and you’ll
all be sipping Mai Tais poolside, ‘kay?

PILOT
Okay, but—

Gabriel disappears again. The passengers play with their iPads.

PILOT
Man, they are really tearing through
my life.

BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
Well, it was your fault.

PILOT
Mechanical failure.

STEWARD
We already established that.

BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
Yeah, whatever. Anyone find any
porn on this thing?

NUN
Ewwww.

BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
Well, there’s nothing to do here!

KEY: Another week later.

INT. FLIGHT 370-DAY

The passengers are now sitting around looking bored. One of the passengers has rigged his iPad into the plane’s television system and they are watching CNN’s relentless coverage of the plane crash and search. The TV ANCHOR promises another “exclusive” and then doesn’t deliver. The passengers groan.

NUN
This is such bullshit!

Gabriel appears. He’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

STEWARD
Finally!

GABRIEL
(really disappointed)
Hey, everyone. Yeah, sorry about this.
That Wolf Blitzer, huh? He just won’t
let go.

BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
C’mon, why can’t God just let us into
Heaven?

The passengers yell in agreement.

GABRIEL
Ooo, yeah, sorry. No can do, Sonny Barger.
Look, you’ll have all Eternity to get into
Heaven. It’s not like you’re really missing
anything.

HINDU WOMAN
(looking at iPad)
It says here we missed a Luau!

PILOT
That’s where you were just at!

GABRIEL
Guilty as charged.

Gabriel waves his hand, causing the shirt to disappear.

GABRIEL
They’ll be another one!

NUN
(looking at iPad)
It says here that each party God
throws is unique! And it will never
be repeated!

GABRIEL
(muttering to himself)
Dammit, Steve. Too fucking genius if
you ask me.

The passengers start to get angry.

STEWARD
Can you at least remove this handle
from my face?

GABRIEL
No, but it doesn’t hurt, right?

STEWARD
It’s still annoying!

GABRIEL
(getting an idea)
I know! Here!

Gabriel waves his hand. Suddenly, everyone has a plate from a Hawaiian luau in front of them, including a fruity drink with an umbrella.

PILOT
You said we didn’t have to eat.

GABRIEL
Well, you don’t have to. I thought
it would give you something to do.

BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
Eating takes like ten minutes! We’ve
been stuck here for two weeks!

GABRIEL
(getting annoyed)
Okay, there is nothing I can do! Look,
something else is bound to happen in the
news and then God will be fine with it.

PILOT
Like what?

GABRIEL
I’m not Nostradamis! Maybe Honey Boo-boo
will have a stroke or the Duck Dynasty
Guys will shoot each other!

NUN
How much reality TV do you watch?

GABRIEL
I have off time!

Gabriel disappears again.

KEY: Less than one week later.

INT. FLIGHT 370-NIGHT

The passengers are quietly taking naps or tapping on their iPads. One of the Stewardess has stacked the discarded plates in a pile in the back. Two of the passengers are having sex in the middle of the aisle, no one seems to care. Gabriel suddenly appears in the shadows near the cockpit. No one sees him at first.

GABRIEL
(whispering)
How is everyone? Good? Well, okay
gotta—

PILOT
Hey! He’s here!

Suddenly the lights go on and the passengers are alert. The couple keeps having sex on the floor.

BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
Were you just going to pop in and leave?!

GABRIEL
No-no. I-I-I was just stopping by to—

NUN
When do we get the fuck out of here?!

GABRIEL
Jeez, Sister, take it easy. (aside to Hindu woman)
Nuns, huh?

HINDU WOMAN
She’s right! We’ve been here for weeks!

STEWARD
Yeah, we are out of conversation, dude.

PILOT
(pointing to couple)
And these two don’t even care any more!

GABRIEL
Look, there’s nothing I can do! You have
the iPads!

BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
I need some exercise!

GABRIEL
You’re dead! You don’t need it!

BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
I don’t want to spend eternity in this plane!

GABRIEL
It’s not so bad! When you consider Eternity!
You might even miss this once you’re in Heaven!

The passengers groan.

PILOT
Look, can we go back to Earth? Maybe haunt
some people?

YOUNG HINDU WOMAN
Like that Anderson Cooper!

GABRIEL
No! It doesn’t work that way! You just
have to be patient!

STEWARD
I can’t take it any more!

The Steward forces the door open. Outside is a blinding white light. He jumps out. A few seconds later, there is another light on the ceiling and the Steward comes falling out.

STEWARD
Dammit! I was almost out!

GABRIEL
No, you weren’t! You can’t get
out unless God wills it!

NUN
Can’t God make an exception?!

GABRIEL
Okay, look, let me talk to God.
Explain the situation. I’ll come
back.

PILOT
Today?

Gabriel looks from side to side.

GABRIEL
Soon.

Gabriel disappears.

KEY: Two weeks after that

INT. FLIGHT 370-DAY

The interior of the plane has completely changed. The chairs have been gutted and the passengers have devolved into savagery. Blood and fecal matter are all over the walls and several passengers and the pilot have been impaled on primitive, weapons made from parts of the plane. Here and there, the lights have been replaced by torches. Gabriel appears and the remaining passengers immediately pounce on him.

GABRIEL
Jesus Christ!

BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
Grab him!

The passengers pin down Gabriel and the Biker Mustache Guy puts a spear to his neck.

BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
We want off this plane!

GABRIEL
I can see that! What the Hell? Why did
you go all Lord of the Flies?

NUN
You forsook us! You didn’t return!

GABRIEL
You’re not the only dead people! Do you have
any idea how long Nichole Brown Simpson stayed
in Limbo?! And that woman was a saint about it!

STEWARD
Are you going to get us into Heaven or not?!

GABRIEL
Fine! I talked to God, it’s all arranged. Now
let me up.

BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
(suspicious)
Seriously?

GABRIEL
(mocking)
No, I’m lying. Now will you come on? It smells
like the bathroom at the original Woodstock in here!

The passengers let Gabriel up, he flips them off with both hands and disappears. On one of the iPads, Wolf Blitzer offers another exclusive about finding the missing plane. The Nun smashes the iPad with her foot.

└ Tags: comedy, Flight 370, funny, humor, Malaysian Airlines, sketch, Super Frat, The Angel Gabriel, Tony D's Rejected Comedy Samples
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Apr11

Rewritten Headlines: Archie to Geep

by tonyd on April 11, 2014 at 12:01 am

RewrittenNewsDeskWerewolf

Ginger Without Soul, Dies

Rich Guy Continues to Mock Justice System

Thing With Leathery Skin, Actually Not One of the Shoppers

Surfer Does Everything on Board

Woman That Wastes a Billion Dollars For Her Boss Finally Fired

Everyone Sick of Missing Plane Coverage

Fatty Ambulance Busy

Cops Not to be Fired Again

Fleshlights Soon to Get Very Real

Livestock Lower Standards

└ Tags: ambulance, Archie, CNN, comedy, cops, crocodile, current events, fatty, funny, Geep, headlines, humor, livestock, missing plane, News, Obamacare site, parody, Rewritten Headlines, Silvio Berlusconi, Super Frat, surfer, Tony DiGerolamo, vagina
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