If your birthday is this week: A group of muscular leprechauns come to your party to convince you to move the festivities away from Monday. Fortunately, they get drunk and end up passing out in your punchbowl.
Aries: You discover that your rap name, MC Bond and Equities, really doesn’t give you much street cred.
Taurus: You will discover several four-leafed clovers and realize you’re walking through that field that was contaminated with radiation.
Gemini: You will find at hot dog vendor at the top of a mountain pass. He’ll be out of mustard.
Lemini: Don’t freak out that your hot girlfriend’s pic ended up on the Chive, it’s not her fault, it’s the guy she’s cheating on you with that sent them in.
Cancer: The stars say, they can’t wait any longer to talk about True Detective. You’ve got one more week to watch it and then fuck spoiler alerts.
Leo: Your roommate will take the prize out of your cereal box.
Virgo: You will scream at the top of your lungs upon seeing snow again on Monday. No one will blame you.
Libra: You’re life is a bit of a roller coaster this week, mostly because you’ll be visiting amusement parks and trying to ride as many roller coasters as possible.
Scorpio: You won’t get a pot o’ gold by having sex with a leprechaun, but you will get an STD that leaves green clovers all over your genitals.
Sagittarius: You will discover that the reason you’re not drunk on Monday is that the bar replaced it’s beer with green food dye.
Capricorn: Your Irish jig won’t be funny to the cops, but you’ll be too drunk to care.
Aquarius: The stars say, take your trash out. It’s full.
Pisces: You will watch Rick and Morty several times because it is awesome.
