If your birthday is this week:  This year, you’ll get the gift that keeps on giving, herpes.

Aries:  Your fortune cookie fortune apologizes after you nearly choke on it.

Taurus:  A man in a mascot costume will give you an uncomfortable hug.  Turns out, he doesn’t work at that stadium either.

Gemini:  You’ll have a bad hair day and have to bail your hair out of jail.

Lemini:  The stars say, update your website or take it down, everyone thinks you’re dead.

Cancer:  Turns out, those pics of your friend’s kids weren’t his.  He doesn’t have any kids.

Leo:  You will fall into a pool of lotion and have silky smooth skin for weeks.

Virgo:  Your pizza will be late because the driver doesn’t like you.

Libra:  A friend will pay you back, so either you’ll get your $50 or someone will drop an upper decker in your toilet.

Scorpio:  The sex with that Arby’s employee will be bad, but you do get free fries.

Sagittarius:  Don’t punch that dwarf.  He will bite your nutsack.

Capricorn:  You will steal the bananas, but be tackled by several monkeys in security guard uniforms.

Aquarius:  Your parking space will be taken up by a guy who wants his cactus to “breathe”.

Pisces:  You will eat far too many appetizers at a wedding and upset the bride and groom.  Fortunately, you’ll find out later you were at a wake.