If your birthday is this week: You will receive an inordinate amount of penis enlarging medication. Someone is reading your emails! Happy birthday from the NSA!
Aries: Although landmines do kill the gophers you’re after, it also destroys several newspapers and the paperboy.
Taurus: You will be taunted at a rest stop by the last surviving California Raisin.
Gemini: This week, you’ll punch a genie and get three extra wishes.
Lemini: You will miscount the horseshoes and get dinged on the head during the last throw. You will dream of horses throwing regular human shoes for sport.
Cancer: The stars say, get really fucking high this week.
Leo: You Cancer customer will buy three times as much weed.
Virgo: You quit Facebook, but Mark Zuckerberg drives by your house and keys your car.
Libra: Your garbage man will touch you inappropriately.
Scorpio: Your garbage man will touch you inappropriately…finally!
Sagittarius: You will get elbowed in the face by a mentally challenged kid on the subway.
Capricorn: A worker at Lowes assures you that you have the right tools for the job, but he is worried that it won’t work because you kind of look like a fuck-up.
Aquarius: A Hooters waitress will give you ten dollars if she doesn’t have to sit and talk to you.
Pisces: Your dog will return home after two weeks, but insist it’s only been ten minutes.
