If your birthday is this week: Your birthday wish comes true, but the rain of supermodels kills many, many people.
Aries: Hitching a ride with Tracey Morgan’s crew turns out not to be as cool as you thought.
Taurus: You will confirm that the Illuminati do watch you, but mostly just to test their monitoring equipment.
Gemini: You RC car will get a parking ticket.
Lemini: You will be dry humped at a bus stop.
Cancer: The stars say, take care how you spend your money this week, because the guy that’s going to mug you has a lot of kids to feed.
Leo: You will find a creepy Lego set that looks exactly like your apartment.
Virgo: A local sex offender with sexually molest your sprinkler.
Libra: The girl scouts will send over two goons to collect on those thin mints you ordered.
Scorpio: Someone you had sex with during the last two days will break up with, but you’re not sure which of the 20 people it might be.
Sagittarius: You’ll somehow get bitten by a jellyfish while inside a museum restroom.
Capricorn: This week, the love of your life will disappear from your life if you’re not careful, better renew that Internet porn subscription today.
Aquarius: You shouldn’t make cupcakes anymore unless you intend them to be flavored like ass.
Pisces: Dance the night away and don’t worry, that cocaine will wear off eventually.
