If your birthday is this week: Look up from your phone today, they’re throwing you a birthday party and forgot to IM you about it.
Aries: Your trip to Ferguson includes visits to some nice restaurants that would be better except for the overwhelming taste of tear gas in everything.
Taurus: Your doctor will not approve your exercise regime of watching cat videos and eating potato chips.
Gemini: The stars say, stop Tivoing everything, it’s mostly crap anyways.
Lemini: You’ll take a shit in a very unusual place for you: a toilet.
Cancer: You’ll be flagged for pirating really shitty movies off the Internet. A judge will order you to take a film course.
Leo: Your car won’t start because it’s full of racoons.
Virgo: This week, a group of confused Boy Scouts will help you across the street at knife point.
Libra: You’ll be cursed by a mummy and all your Hot Pockets will be forever luke warm.
Scorpio: This week, you’ll discover that a squeegee is an excellent tool for removing excess sex lube.
Sagittarius: Your neighbors will throw you a going away party, then cancel it when you ask them why.
Capricorn: The ghost of Don Pardo will announce you and your friends loudly every time you walk into a bar.
Aquarius: Your trip to Amish country ends as it always does: You fleeing in a stolen horse and buggy while the countryside burns.
Pisces: After years of hard work, you finally achieve your life’s goal of telling everyone on the Internet to go fuck themselves.
