If your birthday is this week:  Your grandma stops by to wish you a happy birthday and, as always, to make sweet love to your frat brothers.

Aries:  You’ll finally take that long shit you’ve been dreaming about.

Taurus:  Call your blimp mechanic this week, there is a bigger problem than you originally thought.

Gemini:  You will be kidnapped by aliens and anally probed, although not at the same time.

Lemini:  The forensics come back negative.  It turns out, it was your fingerprints on the deer, but not your semen.

Cancer:  Your YouTube channel begins to get negative views.

Leo:  The stars say, close your curtains when you get dressed or lose some weight.

Virgo:  You decide to double check your deep frier after finding raw french fries inside your puppy’s doghouse.

Libra:  This week, start a new project.  Your old project escaped anyway.

Scorpio:  You will either have sex with a mascot worker or just the costume, depending on how drunk you are.

Sagittarius:  Your attempt to ride a half-pipe goes pretty good considering you’re driving a Honda at the time.

Capricorn:  You will punch at least three other players during your next golf game.

Aquarius:  You will discover a terrible new ice cream flavor called “candle wax”.

Pisces:  You will find pancakes on your front lawn after the storm and they will be delicious.