If your birthday is this week: The stars say, those people in your apartment aren’t throwing a surprise birthday party, they are robbing your place.
Aries: The Headless Horseman will get into an accident with his car, but your insurance company won’t pay because he doesn’t have a picture on his driver’s license.
Taurus: You’ll run into President Obama at the supermarket buying his own ice.
Gemini: You will give your hamster too much LSD.
Lemini: You will decide that selling LSD to people who give it to their pets is far too profitable to stop.
Cancer: This week, prepare to meet someone special; that guy at the DMV who may have Down Syndrome.
Leo: Stay Frosty this week, the snowman costume is way cooler than all the others.
Virgo: Your coworkers will chip in and buy you the strongest deodorant money can buy.
Libra: You will receive a gift from your coworkers.
Scorpio: The carpeting place you hire finally is able to remove the stank from your carpeting.
Sagittarius: You will rent a tux and find its pockets are full of hypodermic needles and coupons for Red Bull.
Capricorn: After spotting Bigfoot, the elusive monster will attempt to borrow $2000 to start his own business, but he doesn’t really have a good plan.
Aquarius: After your argument in the bowling alley, you’ll get a bowling pin through your window with a note that says, “Y’know, you’re probably right.”
Pisces: You will premiere a webcomic more stupid than Super Frat.
