If your birthday is this week:  The stars say, those people in your apartment aren’t throwing a surprise birthday party, they are robbing your place.

Aries:  The Headless Horseman will get into an accident with his car, but your insurance company won’t pay because he doesn’t have a picture on his driver’s license.

Taurus:  You’ll run into President Obama at the supermarket buying his own ice.

Gemini: You will give your hamster too much LSD.

Lemini:  You will decide that selling LSD to people who give it to their pets is far too profitable to stop.

Cancer:  This week, prepare to meet someone special; that guy at the DMV who may have Down Syndrome.

Leo:  Stay Frosty this week, the snowman costume is way cooler than all the others.

Virgo:  Your coworkers will chip in and buy you the strongest deodorant money can buy.

Libra:  You will receive a gift from your coworkers.

Scorpio:  The carpeting place you hire finally is able to remove the stank from your carpeting.

Sagittarius:  You will rent a tux and find its pockets are full of hypodermic needles and coupons for Red Bull.

Capricorn:  After spotting Bigfoot, the elusive monster will attempt to borrow $2000 to start his own business, but he doesn’t really have a good plan.

Aquarius:  After your argument in the bowling alley, you’ll get a bowling pin through your window with a note that says, “Y’know, you’re probably right.”

Pisces: You will premiere a webcomic more stupid than Super Frat.