If your birthday is this week: Your birthday party will including party hats, decorations and Serious String. They were all out of the Silly version.
Aries: You will realize that most of your life’s major accomplishments were all video game-related.
Taurus: You will finally get that restraining order to keep the Pope from calling you.
Gemini: You’ll be made at yourself for getting scammed by a door-to-door salesperson, but that girl scout was amazingly convincing.
Lemini: Your Thanksgiving Turkey escapes and steals your laptop. It demands $5000, a car and directions to Mexico or your browser history goes public.
Cancer: Your landlord will insist that you do your beekeeping outside your apartment.
Leo: The stars say, challenging the Harlem Globe Trotters to a football game, won’t improve your odds by much.
Virgo: Your game of Beer Pong will descend into a discussion about philosophy.
Libra: Your mother will lie to you about the location of Thanksgiving Dinner, again.
Scorpio: You will bang someone in a pilgrim hat.
Sagittarius: This week, you’ll get a terrible review on Yelp and everyone unfriends you on Facebook.
Capricorn: Your douchebaggery will not be tolerated at the Pottery Barn.
Aquarius: You will get into a fender bender with a blimp.
Pisces: You will steal a banana cream pie from a leprechaun. Either that, or you’re high on magic marker fumes again.
