Jan15

Rewritten Headlines: Rickman to Farmer

by tonyd on January 15, 2016 at 12:01 am

RewrittenNewsDeskWerewolf

Nottingham Finally Free

Gross Crime Solved

Company Pays Fine It Can Easily Afford

Sick Man Becomes Regular Doctor Patient

Idaho Has Messed Up Pussy

Burglar Really Enjoys Snapple

Man Takes Pride in Job

Gross Restaurant Even Grosser

You’re So Vain

Farmer Needs a Hand

 

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Jan13

Twitter in Focus: Anthony Mackie

by tonyd on January 13, 2016 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die!  Today’s contestant is Anthony Mackie, AKA: The Falcon from the Avengers movies.  Let’s see what he’s tweeting.

@AnthonyMackie

November 20th:  “Chocolate Martini is now on the menu! ”

The perfect drink to get drunk and fat at the same time.

November 24th:  “GoodMorning… Nothing like being home! #GrandIsle#thebayou#BigRedFun ”

It’s like being in Gator without the airboats.

November 24th:  “What a day! #Specks#Sheephead#Reds#LargeMouthBass#…and almost forgot… ! ”

Ooo, nice catch.  But where’s the gators?

December 1st:  “The crew is coming to Nola in January… get your tix here: ”

I gotta get down to that Wizard show.  It’s like the only one I haven’t done.

December 2nd:  “Psyched to announce next week with !”

Nice.

December 11th: “Let’s go Pels ”

Pelican is not an aggressive enough animal for a sports team, in my view.

January 1st:  “2016 Goal… Make Par 3’s my bitch! Happy New Year my friends ”

Man, celebrity problems.

January 3rd:  “Bringing my boys to the NO Wizard World! Let’s Party NO!!! ”

Hmm, a comic con in January in the warm south?  Sign me up.

January 5th:  “All I did was listen! Peaceful journey my friend. With love and respect… Vilmos Zsigmond! #RIP#Hungariansweetness! ”

He was a giant in cinema.

January 8th:  “What The!!! I finally got a little POP dude!!! Yes! And he looks cool as the other side of the pillow… ”

He’s got it all.  Even the little beard.

January 10th:  “Thank you everyone for coming to play this weekend… Con style! ”

I’ll say it for the fanboys.  Sorry for the smell.

January 11th:  “Great closing! I recommend Terrell Hunter to anyone looking for a realtor in the New Orleans area ”

Sounds like someone got a big royalty check!

Okay, let’s rate Anthony’s tweets.  Definitely genuine.  I give him a 6 for Mustness, an 8 for Insanity and a 9 for Style.  That’s an overall score of 7.6.  Follow the Falcon.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email me here.

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Jan11

Frat Boy at the Movies: Revenant

by tonyd on January 11, 2016 at 12:01 am

FratBoyATtheMovies

Leonardo DiCaprio plays Hugh Glass in Revenant, a movie that takes place after the colonial period but before the Wild West.  The true story is actually somewhat crazier than what the movie portrays, but Hollywood felt it necessary to add more melodrama.  (They always do.)

The basic premise is that Glass is a scout leading an expedition of trappers through the wilderness with his son.  After being beset by all kinds of problems at the time, he’s mauled by a bear and thought to be close to death.  Tom Hardy plays Fitzpatrick, the selfish trapper that just wants to put him down so that the rest of the group can survive.  The trailer portrays the movie as kind of a wilderness revenge story, but at lot of it is build up.  Hardy, as always, is amazing in his role.  His voice and mannerism are just incredible.

This movie is bloody and made me feel cold throughout.  Director Alejandro González Iñárritu does a great job of setting the mood and doesn’t spoon feed you the info.  This is a movie where you have to pay attention.  At the same time, however, the narrative is simplified as compared to what actually happened.  For all the effort he put into creating a complex set of characters, I’m a little disappointed he didn’t go with the real, more complex ending.

That being said, it’s still a smart movie that evokes a lot of emotion.  It is not for the squeamish.  Hardy deserves some award for this one.

I recommend this one and give it 8 and a half keggers out of 10.

kegkegkegkegkegkegkegkeghalfkeg

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Jan10

Your Fratoscope: January 10, 2015

by tonyd on January 10, 2016 at 1:13 am

FratoScopeHeader

If your birthday is this week:  The stars say, call the cops.  That’s not a surprise party waiting inside, someone is robbing your place.  The stars would’ve done it, but the stars don’t want to get involved.

Aries:  Your gum themed restaurant will be a failure.

Taurus:  Oh, God!  You didn’t buy the lottery ticket and all your numbers came out!  Oh, God!

Gemini:  You game of Candyland ends in a Beer Pong tournament, which then ends in a fist fight.

Lemini:  You will pursue your love until you catch the runaway pizza.

Cancer:  Someone will give you a business card, but all it will say is, “This is just a distraction, I walked away while you were reading this.”

Leo:  You will find your happy place, but it will be closed for the season.

Virgo:  This week, you’ll discover that getting that getting that horrible tattoo in 8th grade hurt your credit score.

Libra:  You’ll be disappointed to find out that there is no hoverboard championship race.

Scorpio:  You’ll have sex with a meter maid, which is easier than interpreting the parking signs in your city.

Sagittarius:  You’ll be haunted by the ghost of Frosty the Snowman, who will demand to know why it’s so hot in January.

Capricorn:  You will dance like no one is watching, but get arrested because lots of people were watching and very disturbed.

Aquarius:  You’ll finally rake those leaves.

Pisces:  You’ll finally rake those leaves from 2014.

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