If your birthday is this week: Your surprise party will be nothing but a marketing event for a birthday cake company.
Aries: Your Tinder date will have a lot of witty comments until the police finally catch him.
Taurus: You will enjoy a cough syrup-flavored Danish.
Gemini: You’ll lose an argument online and are forced to write a long apology in the comments section of Pornhub.
Lemini: The ghost of John Lennon will ask if you can score him some pot.
Cancer: Your fortune cookie fortune will say, “Dude, seriously? You don’t believe this shit, do you?”
Leo: Turns out, your smart phone isn’t that smart and loses all your contacts.
Virgo: WikiLeaks will threaten to release those selfies you never posted.
Libra: The stars say, watch out for clowns, it’s pie season.
Scorpio: You’ll make sweet love to a robot who will autodial you relentlessly for months after.
Sagittarius: You’ll make an embarrassing mistake with a microwave and a kitten.
Capricorn: Your doctor will finally admit he’s never see that many Matchbox cars on a butt x-ray.
Aquarius: You’ll find out the NSA is tracking your Spotify tracks because they like them.
Pisces: You’ll see an ice cream truck and a hot fudge truck collide, but unfortunately, the whipped cream truck swerves out of the way.
