If your birthday is this week:  Your surprise party will be nothing but a marketing event for a birthday cake company.

Aries:  Your Tinder date will have a lot of witty comments until the police finally catch him.

Taurus:  You will enjoy a cough syrup-flavored Danish.

Gemini:  You’ll lose an argument online and are forced to write a long apology in the comments section of Pornhub.

Lemini:  The ghost of John Lennon will ask if you can score him some pot.

Cancer:  Your fortune cookie fortune will say, “Dude, seriously?  You don’t believe this shit, do you?”

Leo:  Turns out, your smart phone isn’t that smart and loses all your contacts.

Virgo:  WikiLeaks will threaten to release those selfies you never posted.

Libra:  The stars say, watch out for clowns, it’s pie season.

Scorpio:  You’ll make sweet love to a robot who will autodial you relentlessly for months after.

Sagittarius:  You’ll make an embarrassing mistake with a microwave and a kitten.

Capricorn:  Your doctor will finally admit he’s never see that many Matchbox cars on a butt x-ray.

Aquarius:  You’ll find out the NSA is tracking your Spotify tracks because they like them.

Pisces:  You’ll see an ice cream truck and a hot fudge truck collide, but unfortunately, the whipped cream truck swerves out of the way.