If your birthday is this week: You’ll win the lottery, but then remember that you’re getting divorced and tear up the ticket.
Aries: You’ll catch a leprechaun, but he won’t have any gold because of his gambling problem.
Taurus: A group of girl scouts will shake you down to buy cookies, but only sell you empty boxes.
Gemini: Your boss will inform you that you can get the raise if you can think of the number he’s thinking of.
Lemini: You will get fingered in an abandoned laundry mat.
Cancer: You’ll get a great deal on a used track suit at a Mafia discount store, but the pockets will be full of cocaine.
Leo: You will find a message in a bottle that was sent C.O.D.
Virgo: The stars say, your next 18 calls will be telemarketers, but the 19th call will be the telemarketer of your dreams!
Libra: You’ll order a Coke, but they’ll bring you a Pepsi, which is pretty good since you’re in an auto parts store at the time.
Scorpio: You will get an STD from a mailbox.
Sagittarius: Your personal trainer treats you to a day out and a box of Twinkies again.
Capricorn: You’ll discover a new Pokemon sleeping in your trashcans and smoking PCP.
Aquarius: You’ll be abducted by Mormons and forced to toil in their Bible mines.
Pisces: You’ll dream of electric sheep.
