If your birthday is this week: The man you mother hires to wish you a Happy Birthday, lights your house on fire instead.
Aries: Your “Basket of Badgers” Mother’s Day arrangement gets mixed reviews.
Taurus: Your mother thanks you for the Strip-o-Gram and then after the dance, introduces you to your new dad.
Gemini: Your mom assures you that your passive aggressive Mother’s Day celebration won’t impact her love for you in the slightest. Not the slightest.
Lemini: Your brunch with mom goes well, but she complains about the Dairy Queen bathroom’s cleanliness.
Cancer: Visiting your mother goes great, but the prison guards still refuse to remove her handcuffs so you can hug.
Leo: This week, your mother will attempt to fix you up with one of her older friends again.
Virgo: The stars say, call your mother. It’s the only way she’ll make it out of the woods.
Libra: Your mother will demand you dance and juggle fire for her amusement.
Scorpio: Mom doesn’t get home from her orgy until late, so you end up having the celebration without her.
Sagittarius: Your mother will thank you for the two liter bottle of cough syrup and then disappear back into the homeless shelter.
Capricorn: Mom buys you a tenth round of tequila and calls you a pussy if you don’t drink.
Aquarius: After beating up everyone in the bar, you can finally give your mother the flowers you bought.
Pisces: Mother’s Day brunch goes great, but you really didn’t have to take the whole restaurant hostage to get a table.
