As Hollywood continues its slow ride down the sewer drain it created for itself, I still watch some movies, but not all. Here now is Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies.
Ocean’s 8: Because Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack weren’t cool enough the first time? It’s nice to see that female celebrities can be just as out of touch as their male counterparts. Equality hooray!
Superfly: Directed by Director X, it’s never a good sign that your movie director directed mostly music video or that he only has one letter in his name. When Superfly came out originally, it was new, outrageous and kind of a daring new world to explore on film. This is….a remake. Pass.
Jurassic World: Fallen K— No! No! Just give Chris Pratt some money and move on. I have other pointless CGI characters to watch kill each other. They’re called video game avatars and they tend to have more story than this franchise. It’s half tempting to see how Hollywood crams a pro-animal subplot into this mess, just to balance out the fact that dinosaurs must be killed. Ultimately, I think this entire franchise shit the bed halfway through the first one.
The Hustle: This is a remake of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, which begs the question— Why the fuck did you remake a perfectly good movie that starred Steve Martin and Michael Caine? Pass.
The First Purge: Hmm, my summer didn’t have enough senseless murder in the streets. Thank God for this cinematic wonder. I’m sure all the unanswered questions will be answered.
Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer V— Dear Jesus, no! Was this movie even that popular? Did Count Chocula commercials warp the fragile minds of movie goers everywhere to give us this cartoon abomination?!
Skyscraper: AKA: Dwayne Johnson Jumps Off of Things VII. Pass.
Momma Mia! Here We Go A— Fuck no! I would literally prefer to jump off a cliff than to see this movie.
The Darkest Minds: Unfortunately, I saw the trailer to this one. Sounds a lot like that old episode of Star Trek only longer and more boring. Pass.
The Happytime Murders: And speaking of abominations, the R-rated Muppet movie feels like Disney squeezing the last few dollars out of defenseless trademarks before they shelve them for a few decades. I can only hope that Jim Henson rises from his grave and eats the brains of everyone involved.
Slenderman: Based on the Internet story of the same name and the same story believed by some teen girls that then murdered their friend— Jesus, Hollywood. Was this really something you wanted on your conscience?
Okay, I’m done. I have to go back and play some video games or watch some cartoons or something. Just seeing the trailers now are tainting my brain. Everyone go watch all the Marvel Movies and see Infinity War.
