If your birthday is this week:  Your pinata squeals and runs away after someone tries to break it open.

Aries:  You realize that hydrating yourself with vodka during the marathon isn’t healthy, but you don’t care.

Taurus:  You’ll be intimidated by the stare of a store mannequin.

Gemini:  The stars say, your true love is not a Cinabon the size and shape of a woman, but it’s pretty close.

Lemini:  You will finally know for sure that the Starbucks doesn’t serve people who come in with no pants regardless of their gold card status.

Cancer:  You will eat an entire pie on a dare, but technically you dared yourself so…

Leo:  A motorcycle driver that ends up in the back of your SUV, tells you to stop tapping the brake when you drive.

Virgo:  Everyone in your spin class agrees, you have to stop bringing your pet badger with you.

Libra:  Freeing the lobsters at the seafood restaurant seems like a good idea, until they take the kitchen staff hostage.

Scorpio:  You’ll remember a familiar birthmark halfway through having sex with your Tinder date and become annoyed that they didn’t remember the sex with you the first time.

Sagittarius:  Next week, your P.A.B. card expires so remind yourself to commit some crimes.

Capricorn:  Asking for a back rub in the deli turns out not to be as embarrassing as you think.

Aquarius:  After coming out of the bathroom, your dog brings you a piece of candy.

Pisces:  You will wake up in the middle of the night and realize that nobody bakes a cake as tasty as a Tastykake.