If your birthday is this week: When you open your first gift, you’ll find a bloody human liver and then your aunt will scream “Oh, my God! They must’ve put your Xbox One in Grandpa!”
Aries: You will be banned from the nudist colony for excessive hair.
Taurus: This week, you’ll win a Scrabble game using nothing but racist words.
Gemini: Amazon warns you for the fifth time that you don’t have to tip the drone that delivers to you.
Lemini: That person you’re carrying a torch for tells you to put it out before you burn their house down.
Cancer: You will invent a new cereal, but no one wants to eat Frosted Mung.
Leo: Despite your best attempt to get them drunk, the toll taker still insists you pay and keep moving.
Virgo: You will be visited by three ghosts: Larry, Moe and Curly.
Libra: While shopping for a new washing machine, the salesperson keeps pushing the one machine that boasts a “skid mark” control function.
Scorpio: You discover your phone doesn’t have enough space for hook up apps and your porn.
Sagittarius: You spaghetti dinner will be ruined because you insist that your monkey eats with the family and he voted for Trump.
Capricorn: A unicorn will visit you and take a huge rainbow dump on your front lawn.
Aquarius: You will be pleasantly surprised during a mugging.
Pisces: You’ll write you astrology predictions at five in the morning, so they won’t make a whole lot of sense monkey purple dishwater.
