If your birthday is this week:   The bakery offers you a discount on cake purchases, since you’re forced to buy your own cake every year.

Aries:  Your test drive gets out of hand and you don’t get home until 16 hours later.

Taurus:  Everywhere you go this week, people will be offering you mints so maybe start brushing your teeth again.

Gemini:  Your Gummi Bear Diet, while popular, doesn’t get you to lose any weight.

Lemini:  Your crack dealer will thank you for the birthday card.

Cancer:  The stars say, your album, “Let’s Punch the Elderly” drops to mixed acclaim.

Leo:  Your app that detects guys named “Gooch” sells four on the Apple Store.

Virgo:  A gorilla escapes from the local zoo and steals your Netflix password.

Libra:  You will spend 78% of this week watching YouTube videos.

Scorpio:  Your Slinky condoms, while stimulating, will not provide the contraception people need.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, starting a mail order massage business is a bad idea.

Capricorn:  You’ll be kissed by three different government employees this week.

Aquarius:  Using the wrong font will, again, get you into a fist fight.

Pisces:  Your attempt to hang Christmas decorations is met by an angry mob of pilgrim thugs.