If your birthday is this week: The cops bust up your party, probably because you forced everyone at gun point to be there.
Aries: You’ll be referred in the Mueller report as the “fat and ugly witness”.
Taurus: Someone on the train will share their seat with you and then take a sip of your Starbucks iced tea without asking as “payment”.
Gemini: Sadly, the New York Stock Exchange will not recognize your business making Joe Biden memes as a public company.
Lemini: You’ll see Bigfoot once, but he won’t return your text for a second date.
Cancer: Punching the nurse does get you seen sooner in the ER, but does get you seen sooner by a doctor at the jail.
Leo: Your experience as a paperboy does not apply to being an ice cream truck drive, even if you hit ever stoop with an ice cream sandwich.
Virgo: You will get a receipt from CVS that’s so long, it stretches from the CVS to your house.
Libra: The stars say, you will be audited by a ghost and the ghost IRS will demand ghost money as payment.
Scorpio: You will be asked to be a nipple clamp spokesperson.
Sagittarius: Although the rules don’t specifically state it, you’ll find out that pants or some kind of lower body covering are mandatory in the library.
Capricorn: Youtube informs you that you’re the first vlogger to get negative views.
Aquarius: Not even the automatic cashier at Target wants to hear your boring store about the great parking space you got.
Pisces: Despite your best efforts, you’ll be unable to steal the Geordi LaForge visor from Levar Burton a OC CON.
