If your birthday is this week:  You’ll assume your friends got high and forgot your birthday, but you know that’s a lie because you have no friends.

Aries:  You’ll put edibles in your cheeseburgers and get caught in a infinite loop until the barbecue runs out of food.

Taurus:  You’ll suddenly realize that everyone knows that you’re high.

Gemini:  Your dealer is being a dick, until you realize that he’s not your dealer and you’re arguing with a guy restocking the spices in your supermarket.

Lemini:  You try and fast forward the movie during the boring parts, but everyone in the movie theater just gets mad at you.

Cancer:  You suddenly realize that your Taurus friend is high.

Leo:  You’ll realize that you’ve been trying to smoke out of a vase for ten minutes and that you accidentally gift wrapped your new bong for Mother’s Day.

Virgo:  The stars say, no matter how high you are, the Big Bang still isn’t funny.

Libra:  You’ll play that Afroman song about getting high and sing along, but no on in Target’s furniture department will appreciate it.

Scorpio:  Despite all the genitals you’re willing to suck, it turns out no one has any Kush for you.

Sagittarius:  You will smoke yourself sober.  At least, that’s what you believe when you attempt to acquire McDonald’s food at the library.

Capricorn:  Your ventriloquist dummy will get high with you and then steal your hat, but later you realize that you’ve been getting high with Peter Dinklage.

Aquarius:  You’ll talk to a store mannequin before you realize he is not passing back your blunt.

Pisces:  You got really high before writing your funny weekly horoscope column and now you realize it not being funny would be hilarious!