If your birthday is this week:  This week, people will remember the tragedy of your birthday.

Aries:  The ghost of Burt Reynolds will appear to you and shame your for having no mustache.

Taurus:  You will be debriefed by an extremely confused staff member from the Pentagon who mistakes you for a Trump relative.

Gemini:  Twitter tells you that it’s not banning your account, but it will reduce you to a four character limit.

Lemini:  Someone replaces your eye drops with salad dressing giving you flavorful vision.

Cancer:  You’ll have a dream about boxing and wake up with several holes in your bedroom wall.

Leo:  Your fish will sublet part of your house to his walrus buddies.

Virgo:  Your cologne will attract a flock of geese.

Libra:  Your weird bus driver will ask if you wouldn’t mind farting in his direction again.

Scorpio:  You’ll find out your amateur porn is popular, but only for making people last longer.

Sagittarius:  A group of people sign a petition to ban you from most dating apps.

Capricorn:  You’ll accidentally make out with the water delivery person again.

Aquarius:  You’ll run out of new categories of porno to view and tissues.

Pisces:  Reading this will be the most exciting part of your week.  Well and the ninjas.