If your birthday is this week:  You realize that your professor wasn’t being sarcastic in that email about summer assignments.

Aries:  You drop your kid off at college just in time for the opening campus money fight.

Taurus:  During an alumni weekend, you finally have sex with your college crush which really surprises the guy wearing the mascot costume.

Gemini:  Your family’s hereditary addiction to Ramen finally pays off now that you’re in college.

Lemini:  Everybody will have fun tonight, except you because you didn’t Wang Chung.

Cancer:  You roommate informs you that cocaine isn’t considered a school supply for most people.

Leo:  Your roommate will insist he’s not a cannibal that his gift basket of barbecue soaps and shampoo should be used immediately.

Virgo:  You’ll find out the Freshman 50 is actually the Freshman 15 for everyone else.

Libra:  You’ll meet someone with your same major, only they graduated and now mix an excellent Latte at Starbucks.

Scorpio:  Sadly, your professors are so ugly this semester you may actually have to study rather than having sex with them.

Sagittarius:  You’ll realize that college is worthless, but at least you’ll be able to get laid a lot for a while.

Capricorn:  Your professors offer you cash to take same course with somebody else.

Aquarius:  The college refuses to take your Guitar Hero scores as a substitute for your SAT’s.

Pisces:  You’ll mix up the roommate signal and put the condom on the doorknob and the sock somewhere else.