If your birthday is this week:  You’ll accidentally get ten million “Happy Birthdays” from Facebook, but four people don’t mean it.

Aries:  Your imaginary friend will call you from jail and ask you to bail them out.

Taurus:  You’ll get just drunk enough to laugh at the sitcom you’re watching, but then realize you’re actually watching someone play Fortnite.

Gemini:  The people in that cult you joined ask you politely to leave, assuring you that it’s them and not you.

Lemini:  Both pizza delivery men arrive at the same time as planned, but they refuse to fight to the death no matter what the tip.

Cancer:  This week, your farts will stink up an entire lecture hall.

Leo:  You will be told quite sternly that the self car wash isn’t clothing optional.

Virgo:  Your dog will put you on a very strenuous diet, but will allow you to go for all the walks you want.

Libra:  The guy at your job interview will not be interested in how many Pokemon you caught.

Scorpio:  Your car will break down and you’ll realize you got all lubed up for your date for nothing.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, no matter what your religious beliefs, hitting on a nun is a bad idea.

Capricorn:  The guy at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru will throw you the donuts without a bag because it’s his last day.

Aquarius:  You’ll see the driver ahead of you get pelted with donuts at the drive thru and decide to eat elsewhere.

Pisces:  You’ll realize that none of the people on the dating site can live up to image of Netflix.