If your birthday is this week:  You emerge from your food coma in time to enjoy birthday cake.

Aries:  You will double the number of Christmas party invites you get this year because zero times two is still zero.

Taurus:  Making King Crabs does not go well, as the crabs get a hold of your knives and end up in a stand off with the cops in your kitchen.

Gemini:  You’ll panic at the Popsicle store and buy orange.

Lemini:  Your uncontrollable giggling won’t lighten the mood at either funeral you attend this week.

Cancer:  This week, the baby you shoved on Black Friday ten years ago will be back for revenge.

Leo:  You’ll realize no one wants to eat ice cream flavored with new car smell.

Virgo:  The stars say, stuffing your turkey with leftover Halloween candy was efficient and delicious.

Libra:  You will be overcome by a sense of profound procrastination and find yourself unwilling to express it.

Scorpio:  Your sex face scares the neighbors, so how about shutting those curtains?

Sagittarius:  The girl scouts will leave you increasingly threatening letters until you pay for those cookies.

Capricorn:  Turns out, that guy from the supermarket isn’t stalking you, he’s just overly concerned whether or not your produce bags will hold.

Aquarius:  You’ll clean your house and discover the roommate you’ve always suspected was there.

Pisces:  Turns out, building a throne of donuts doesn’t get you chicks, just ants.