If your birthday is this week:  You’ll get lots of mouthwash for your birthday, in fact, nothing but mouthwash.

Aries:  Your FitBit will ask you if you’re still alive.

Taurus:  Your alien friend finally admits there’s no scientific value in anally probing you.

Gemini:  The stars say, if you buy better clothes, homeless people will stop trying to give you money.

Lemini:  You will go to prison, but not for the reason you think.

Cancer:  It will turn out that the dating profile you responded to was actually run, not by a woman, but by a dolphin trying to steal your identity.

Leo:  You’ll accidentally drink some change you had in a cup, but it will be more refreshing than that Mountain Dew you were gonna drink.

Virgo:  This week, some fat fuck on the Internet calls you poseur for posting pictures of you modeling for an art class.

Libra:  Someone somewhere is describing your scent as “musky”.

Scorpio:  You will finish watching all the porn on the Internet and decide to go back and do it again.

Sagittarius:  You will realize that the opposing team in dodge ball brought ringers from a professional team.

Capricorn:  You’ll get down and dirty this week, because you’re going into a basement with Courtney Love.

Aquarius:  The real Batman beats the crap out of you, then chastises you for dying your hair green and giggling in public.

Pisces:  You’ll realize that your locked your keys inside your car, which is bad, because it makes impossible for you to brake.