Sr Cactus and Mistah Shit

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

(translated by Mistah Shit)

Sleepless in Saskatchewan:

Señor Cactus:

My roommate’s dog is cute, but it barks continuously for no reason sometimes.  It lasts so long, I sometimes get a headache.  I feel like if I do not get some relief from this noisy pooch, I may just strangle it.  Can you give me some advice?

Amy, 20

Dear Sleepless:

Cactus say, take the doggie for a nice, long walk.  Then feed it lots of it’s favorite food.  Then it will be nice and sleepy.  This will allow you to creep up behind it, get a good grip on its throat and strangle it before he can bite you.  Your roommate is going to be pissed, tho.

Confused in the Capitol

Dear Señor Cactus:

I met this guy and slept with him on our first date.  We just really clicked.  We were seeing each other every day and having sex like crazy.  Now, suddenly, he wants to “slow down”.  What should I do?

Gloria, 18, Gerogetown U

Dear Confused

Cactus say, you’re bad at sex!  It’s the only explanation!  Your man did all he could to bang you out, but in the end he couldn’t take it anymore!  Get better at sex!  If you have enough of it, you’re bound to figure it out!

Worried in Wisconsin:

Great Señor Cactus:

Are we going to be killed by North Korea?

Trace N., 25, Milwaukee

Dear Worried:

Cactus say, what kind of name is “Trace”?  It’s not even “Tracy”, which is the name of a girl or a 1940’s movie star or  a dick.  You need a whole name before Cactus answer your question.

Naked in North Carolina

Hey Señor Cactus:

My ex-boyfriend put naked pictures of me on the Internet.  These were personal photos of just me for him and now I feel completely betrayed!  What should I do?  Is my life ruined?!

Blithe, 19, NCU

Dear Naked

Cactus say, the only way to know for sure is to forward your pics to him immediately! 

Only then, can he judge if your life is truly ruined.  If you do not have the photos, you may have to recreated them.  In fact, make some extra photos anyway.  I’m sure they will be in the spirit of the originals.  This is the only way to know for sure!  The ONLY WAY!

If you have a questions for Señor Cactus, email here.