If your birthday is this week:  You’ll be used as an excuse to stop working and eat cake this week.

Aries:  You’ll be assaulted by cupcakes.

Taurus:  This week, be on the look out for the Hamburglar.  He’s on parole.

Gemini:  You will get a collect call from the last working cellphone in America.

Lemini:  The hitman assigned to kill you commits suicide after observing your life for a week.

Cancer:  The Scientologists you meet on the bus decide that you’re not quite right for their organization.

Leo:  You’ll drop some acid and bowl a 7 in three games.

Virgo:  You will receive a record number of Valentine’s Day cards with typos in them.

Libra:  You’ll download an app that will threaten to make your browser history public unless you send the creator $500 a month.

Scorpio:  The NSA will send you an email recommending that you check out better quality porn sites.

Sagittarius:  A cop will pull you over for singing the wrong lyrics to pop songs in the car.

Capricorn:  Your filthy car’s GPS keeps directing you to car washes.

Aquarius:  Total strangers will walk up to you and criticize your clothes, so it’s official, everyone’s jealous of you.

Pisces:  You’ll spend a lazy Sunday helping Nicholas Cage solve a 200 year-old mystery and fighting Chinese gangsters.