Your Fratoscope: February 12, 2017
on February 12, 2017 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: You’ll be used as an excuse to stop working and eat cake this week.
Aries: You’ll be assaulted by cupcakes.
Taurus: This week, be on the look out for the Hamburglar. He’s on parole.
Gemini: You will get a collect call from the last working cellphone in America.
Lemini: The hitman assigned to kill you commits suicide after observing your life for a week.
Cancer: The Scientologists you meet on the bus decide that you’re not quite right for their organization.
Leo: You’ll drop some acid and bowl a 7 in three games.
Virgo: You will receive a record number of Valentine’s Day cards with typos in them.
Libra: You’ll download an app that will threaten to make your browser history public unless you send the creator $500 a month.
Scorpio: The NSA will send you an email recommending that you check out better quality porn sites.
Sagittarius: A cop will pull you over for singing the wrong lyrics to pop songs in the car.
Capricorn: Your filthy car’s GPS keeps directing you to car washes.
Aquarius: Total strangers will walk up to you and criticize your clothes, so it’s official, everyone’s jealous of you.
Pisces: You’ll spend a lazy Sunday helping Nicholas Cage solve a 200 year-old mystery and fighting Chinese gangsters.
