I have no idea why or who I wrote this for, but I guess I wrote it in 2009.  Enjoy.

Craigslist Ads I Now Consider

Written by Tony DiGerolamo

Copyright 2009

            As a freelance writer, cruising Craigslist for possible gigs is something that I do throughout the course of the day.  Unfortunately, with jobs becoming scarcer and the economy shrinking faster than the amount of Obama cabinet secretaries that paid their taxes, I’ve had to consider more and more jobs further afield than writing.  Here are a few recent ads I considered sending a response:

“Writing:  Passionate Shoppers Wanted for PT Writing Opportunity”:  I figured I could combine my love of writing with my need for buying food.  It’s a win-win!

“Creative:  Pregnancy Photographer”:  Okay, this might be a little weird, but it’s not under those fetish ads.  It’s probably just a proud dad, right?  I have a digital camera.  At the very least, maybe the couple is really stupid and I can jack up my fee via “dark room processing” fees.

“Creative:  gourdcraft (willing to pay for lessons)”:  How hard could this be?  I’ll score some gourds from the local supermarket, do a little Sharpie magic and glue—  Viola!  I’m a gourdmaster!  That should be worth, like, $150 a lesson, right?

“Labor:  BARBER AND BRAIDER”:  This is not freelance writing at all.  I’ve gone far afield here.  I could fake my way through this through.  I just need to hide the mirrors.  Once people get out of the barber shop, I could blame the wind.

“Part time:  Phlebotomist”:  I just have to stay away from the big veins and I’ll be fine.  If anyone passes out from blood loss, I’ll put on “The Cure”, dye their hair black and tell the other doctors that the Goth kid insisted I drain a lot of blood.  As long as no one dies, I should be able to fake my way to at least one paycheck.

“Adult:  Give spanking for cash”:  Wow, I think this makes me a whore or at least my hand would be a whore.  It’s a slippery slope, but a butt’s a butt and I do have to finance all those expensive snacks I buy at Trader Joe’s.  I wouldn’t be touching the butthole, just the cheeks.  No one wants their taint spanked.  And if they do, I could charge like $1000 and use a glove.

“TV and Film:  Casting NBC’s THE BIGGEST LOSER!”:  Nah.  I have my pride.  Have to draw the line somewhere.