If your birthday is this week:  Your sex doll is conspicuously absent from your birthday party.

Aries:  Someone will break into your house and eat all the vanilla in your Neopolitan ice cream.

Taurus:  You will notice far too many boogers this week, even on hot chicks.

Gemini:  Your werewolf neighbor will eat your wind chimes.

Lemini:  You’ll suddenly realize that inauguration is over and Mike Pence isn’t going to return your umbrella.

Cancer:  The stars say, wipe down your seat at the gym, no one wants to smell like you.

Leo:  Your ex will tag the 2nd worst photo of you on Facebook.

Virgo:  Dennis Leary will accidentally pocket dial you and you’ll get to hear him eat Pop Tarts.

Libra:  Someone will write a very nice comment on your YouTube video, followed by the word “Psyche!”

Scorpio:  You do not have enough eggrolls in your freezer for your gangbang, better stock up.

Sagittarius:  Check your seats this week or you’ll end up sitting on a pie.

Capricorn:  You’ll win a small slot machine jackpot and spend it all stuffing your face with shrimp cocktail.

Aquarius:  You’ll try pesto for the first time.

Pisces:  You’ll spend another lazy Sunday chasing leprechauns with a lawn mower.