If your birthday is this week:  No one has any money to buy you birthday gifts, so enjoy those hug coupons.

Aries:  You will fly fish inappropriately.

Taurus:  The stars say, keep drinking that egg nog.  It won’t last the week.

Gemini:  Your genie takes the week off and your Katy Perry clone takes the opportunity to break up with you.

Lemini:  Your animal spirit will, sadly, have to be put down.

Cancer:  You subscription to Playboy will be canceled as the girls in the magazine don’t like the idea of you looking at them.

Leo:  This week, you won’t go into 2016 without a kiss because the dog will be licking your face as you’re passed out drunk.

Virgo:  Will you please just go see Star Wars so the rest of us can talk about it?!

Libra:  You’ll find out that stripper didn’t love you, just your various passwords and pin numbers.

Scorpio:  You will replace your mattress again, but lucky you, the tenth replacement is free!

Sagittarius:  Get your hands out of your pants, this is a comedy site and not sexy at all you weirdo.

Capricorn:  Your Facebook picture will be used in an ad as the “before” person.

Aquarius:  You will eat an extremely unhealthy amount of mustard this week.

Pisces:  All your hard work finally pays off, unfortunately you put all that hard work into video games again, so your imagined gains are just virtual nothing.  However, Mario seems really happy.