If your birthday is this week:  For no reason, your cake will be shaped like Vladmir Putin’s nose.

Aries:  The ghost of Abraham Lincoln will appear to you and demand a licensing fee for every penny you used over the years.

Taurus:  Your pizzeria cook will get incredibly high and send you $14.95 with cheese on it and demand a box.

Gemini:  This week, prepare for everyone you meet talking in rhyme.

Lemini:  The next gorilla you meet will claim to be able to predict lottery numbers, but that’s just a ruse to get you to have sex with him.

Cancer:  Your co-workers will prank you by getting themselves all fired and leaving you with all the work.

Leo:  Beware of V-shaped collars this week.

Virgo:  You’ll forget to read Your Fratoscope this week.

Libra:  You’ll be followed by an extremely affectionate or hungry coyote.

Scorpio:  Using a black light in your apartment reveals that you really need to repaint and burn all your furniture.

Sagittarius:  Your video game avatar attempts to upgrade you.

Capricorn:  You’ll cut yourself on a post-it note, you pussy.

Aquarius:  An angry, serial baker will attempt to forcibly cover you in icing.

Pisces:  The Pope will visit your city and this time…it’s personal.