If your birthday is this week:  TGIFriday’s charges you a licensing fee for making the waitress sing the Happy Birthday song to you.

Aries:  Your Trivia Pursuit game ends in a fist fight…again.

Taurus:  Your canoeing trip introduces you to all sorts of new things including what it’s like to get covered in leeches.

Gemini:  During a drunk golf outing, you’ll realize that you’ve been shagging balls across a cemetery.

Lemini:  You’ll get several long uncomfortable silences during your call to the Suicide Hotline.

Cancer:  The stars say, don’t relax.  Labor Day weekend is for people that actually work.

Leo:  You’ll accidentally drop a fake coin in a wishing well and receive a million dollars in Monopoly money.

Virgo:  This week, your baker will snap and stand on his roof chucking stale muffins at everyone. 

Libra:  You’ll discover that the ATM drive thru you’ve been stuck in for an hour is actually just someone’s parked car in their driveway.

Scorpio:  Your Trivia Pursuit game ends in an orgy…again.

Sagittarius:  You will pee in an unusually dangerous place this week.

Capricorn:  You will be involuntarily vaccinated.

Aquarius:  You’ll ask for eggs over easy, but you’ll get a punch in the face from the owner of the house you staggered into.

Pisces:  You will narrowly escape being in a Russian dash cam video.