If your birthday is this week:  Your mother hires a group of pirates to entertain your guests, but all they do is rip copies of all your DVD’s and leave.

Aries:  The characters in your Simpsons iPad game will get together and tell you to take a break this week.

Taurus:  Your instagram account will be hacked by a group of renegade Amish.

Gemini:  Your GPS will snap at you and say, “Then you find the fucking restaurant!”

Lemini:  Take your cellphone out of your pocket next time you masturbate or you’ll be face timing with your mom when you do it.

Cancer:  Your Halloween pumpkins finally rot enough that they fall off the edge of your porch.

Leo:  The stars say, use a coaster unless you want rings on your desk.

Virgo:  You will develop male pattern baldness in your pubic hair.

Libra:  Your pizza will be late, but for some reason, your soda arrives early.

Scorpio:  Your computer will ask if it can delete some of your hentai.

Sagittarius:  This week, you’ll be mugged by a priest who will insist God told him you were too much of a pussy to fight back.

Capricorn:  You will discover that your Obamacare will cover cosmetic surgery if you look like you.

Aquarius:  Don’t eat lunch, just keep your hands free because someone is going to throw a delicious sandwich at you!

Pisces:  Your puppy will continue to pee on everything.