If your birthday is this week:  Taylor Swift will write a song about you.  Unfortunately, it about how she hit you with her car.

Aries:  You will discover that your frat is like your family: they borrow money and never pay it back.

Taurus:  You will find out that water park you used to visit as a kid was actually a rainy junkyard full of old sewer pipes.

Gemini:  The band, One Direction, will have their tour bus break down in front of your place, but fortunately you call the cops and they beat the shit out of them.

Lemini:  Your tour bus will break down in front of some dude’s house.  He’ll suggest you start pushing and then get on his phone.

Cancer:  You’ll be the only tourist visiting San Diego that isn’t sexually harassed by the former mayor.

Leo:  The stars say, what the fuck are you doing with your life?  Seriously?  The stars say, get your shit in gear.

Virgo:  You will realize that during your Breaking Bad viewing party, that actually serving meth to guests goes too far.

Libra:  This week, someone will fill your bathtub full of Pokemon balls.

Scorpio:  Your “scratch n’ sniff” pornography idea sells only to a select group of fetishists.

Sagittarius:  You will find that it’s too late to clean off your bed, the mushrooms have taken hold.

Capricorn:  You will arrive at college a week early and discover your room full of dorm gnomes getting high.

Aquarius:  The NSA has classified your fortune for this week.  It advises you to be surprised like a real American.

Pisces:  Your typos get out of hand this week as gpoiyufsdh dfh3gyy *&^34,