If your birthday is this week:  You will wake up in the hospital after opening birthday gifts.  That’s what you get for shaking the homemade nitroglycerin your cousin made you.

Aries:  The ghost of Abe Vigoda will appear to you and explain he’s not dead.

Taurus:  Space aliens will land in your back yard and ask if you want to have first contact.  When you say yes, they molest you.

Gemini:  You will punch a rabbit, but he had it coming.

Lemini:  This week, you won’t need shoes.  Dead people don’t need lots of things.

Cancer:  Lex Luthor will carjack you in a parking lot.  Admittedly, this isn’t his most brilliant evil plan, but it’s one of them.

Leo:  You will find a AA battery in your breakfast cereal.  Don’t bite down.

Virgo:  Your next conference call will end in a fistfight.  Make sure you have plenty of gas in your car.

Libra:  Burger King will tell you that your way is wrong.

Scorpio:  Turns out, your spouse wasn’t dropping sexual clues to follow, he was just suggesting restaurants.  Apparently you had all that waiter sex for nothing.

Sagittarius:  Puff the Magic Dragon will see you in a vision and say, “Oh, man, I so high right now.”

Capricorn:  The stars say, stop calling or the stars will get a restraining order.

Aquarius:  You will discover using duct tape to remove public hair is effective but painful.

Pisces:  The zombies you befriend this week will betray.  Better just shoot everyone to be safe.