Instructo’s was originally written as part of a bigger sketch show, which would have segway characters moving in and out. (Thus the ending, right into the next sketch.) I’ve actually used this one as a sample recently, but with Kinko’s fading away or at least, not being as visible as it used to be, I may have to retire this one soon. Still, I think the part about pagan gods holds up. Let’s take a look at my imaginary cast!
CHAD, if I had to cast it, would be played by Nick Swardson, who’d be perfect for it.
MS. BOVINE, I’d have to go with Kathey Kinney from the Drew Carey Show.
Christina Applegate as the Goddess Bil.
Kristen Schaal as the Goddess Gefjon.
Olivia Munn as the Goddess Freyja.
John Oliver as the God Delling.
Rob Riggle as the God Ulle.
Got those all in your head? All right, here we go:
Instructo’s
Copyright 2000
written by Tony DiGerolamo
INT. INSTRUCTO’S-DAY
Instructo’s is like Kinkos, except all they do is print instructions for products and businesses. Working amidst the copiers and the graphics equipment is CHAD RAGNAROK. A clerk with many piercings and tattoos of pagan stuff. His supervisor, MS. BOVINE (pronounced Boveen), is a nebbish woman in her mid-30’s. She is impeccably dressed and carries a clipboard. She approaches Chad, who is working on his latest assignment.
MS. BOVINE
Chad, I need to speak with you.
CHAD
(condescending, hostile)
All right, but I gotta stop workin’ while
you talk to me and that doesn’t count as
a break.
MS. BOVINE
(trying to be diplomatic)
Okay. How ‘bout, you keep working
while I talk and you can stop if you have
any questions, ‘kay?
CHAD
Whatever you say, (gesturing quotes) “mas’sir”.
MS. BOVINE
Ya know, Chad, one of the reasons Instructo’s
has become the 13th largest chain in the state
is because of the pride its employees have in
its work. Printing instructions for people is
important work, Chad. Ya know?
CHAD
(reluctantly agreeing)
Yeah.
MS. BOVINE
Chad, I don’t want to discourage you or create
a negative situation, but do you think you’ve been
applying yourself as hard as you can towards your
work?
CHAD
(pointing out)
I could if you stop interrupting me.
MS. BOVINE
Point taken, point taken. And now, let me be
blunt for a second here. We’ve gotten some rather
harsh suggestions from some of the customers.
CHAD
Pfft, and you’re gonna take their word over mine?
Typical pagan bias. Just because I’m a pagan and
they’re not! (daring her) Go ahead, tell me about
(gestures quotes) “the complaints”.
MS. BOVINE
Well, I told you before, you have to proofread
these instructions very carefully. (checks clipboard)
The stapler people called first…
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE-DAY
A PERSON IN OFFICE prepares to use a stapler. The person reads the instructions, puts the papers in the stapler, then the hand, then punches down the stapler.
PERSON IN OFFICE
(in pain)
AHHHHHHHH!!!
BACK TO SCENE
ANGLE ON MS. BOVINE
MS. BOVINE (CONT’D)
…the condom people were very upset…
CUT TO
INT. BEDROOM-NIGHT
A MAN and WOMAN are having sex, doggie style. TILT UP from the woman enjoying herself, to the man. He’s the got the condom on his nose.
MAN & WOMAN
(adlib sex sounds)
BACK TO SCENE
ANGLE ON MS. BOVINE
MS. BOVINE (CONT’D)
…the typos on the chopstick instructions were
blatant…
CUT TO:
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT-DAY
SEVERAL PATRONS are using chopsticks all wrong. They have them in the ears, eyes, nose, etc. A SCREAMING PATRON runs across the camera’s view, his chopsticks imbedded through his forehead.
PATRONS
(in pain)
Oh, God! Ahh! Oooh! Help me! (etc.)
BACK TO SCENE
ANGLE ON MS. BOVINE
MS. BOVINE
…And the restaurants are absolutely livid
over that Heimlich Maneuver Chart.
CUT TO:
INT. SAME CHINESE RESTAURANT-DAY
Amidst the chaos, a CHOKING MAN stands up from his meal. He holds his throat and looks like he’s suffocating. His DATE immediately realizes what is happening. She goes to the Heimlich Maneuver Chart, scans it for a few seconds, kneels down in front of him and punches him in the crotch. He folds forward and throws up on the back of her head.
BACK TO SCENE
ANGLE ON CHAD AND MS. BOVINE
MS. BOVINE
Now, I think you’ll admit, I put up with
a lot of your shenanigans in the past…
CHAD
(outraged)
Shenanigans?! You’re talking about my
Holy Days! Halloween is like Christmas
to someone like me, Ms. Bovine.
MS. BOVINE
(correcting)
Boveen, Ms. Boveen. Now, Chad, you
have to make a decision. Are you going
to stand straight and fly right? Or, are
you going to get fired? It’s up to you.
Ms. Bovine walks away. Chad watches her go and then things to himself. Suddenly, BIL the Norse Goddess of Weaving appears. She’s weaving a basket.
BIL
Chad, don’t listen to her. Weave a basket.
CHAD
Who are you?
BIL
I’m the Norse goddess Bil, Goddess of
Weaving. It actually means “weaving your
own destiny” but, ya know…
Appearing to Chad’s other side if GEFJON goddess of virgins.
GEFJON
(insisting)
Chad, don’t listen to her. Stay chaste.
CHAD
(confused, annoyed)
What?
GEFJON
Hi. Gefjon, goddess of virgins.
CHAD
(annoyed)
I’m not a virgin.
GEFJON
That’s all I got.
CHAD
Shouldn’t one of you be good and the
other be evil?
The Goddesses laugh.
BIL
Nah, c’mon. That’s what the Christians do.
Angel-devil thing.
GEFJON
Yeah, with pagans, you get a choice for
each god.
CHAD
(understanding)
Oh. Well, look, my problem really doesn’t
involve baskets or virgins. I have to decide
if I want to keep this job or tell off my
supervisor.
Enter FREYJA, goddess of sex, fertility, war, and wealth.
FREYJA
Chad. Fuck her.
CHAD
(disgusted)
Ehhh!
FREYJA
It’s either that or fight her. (to other goddesses)
Hi, Freyja, goddess of sex, fertility, war and
wealth. (shakes hands, almost forgetting)
Oh yeah, and ask for raise.
BIL
(winking to Chad)
Basket.
GEFJON
Anything but the fucking is fine with me.
CHAD
(outraged)
This is the kind of advice I get for being a
pagan? I don’t even know some of these
gods!
Enter DELLING, God of Dawn.
DELLING
Hello, Chad. Delling, God of the Dawn.
(checks watch) I think you should wait
about…six hours.
CHAD
For what?
DELLING
I don’t know. Then it’ll be dawn and the
lighting will be really cool.
FREYJA
(asking Delling)
What if he fucks her at dawn?
BIL
(adding)
In a basket.
GEFJON
(reminding)
I can’t agree with that! Odin! No one
ever listens to me!
CHAD
Hold it!
Enter ULIE, Avatar for ULL, god of the hunt, archery and skiers.
ULIE
(suave)
I am Ull, god of hunt, archery and
skiers. Let’s hit the slopes, Chad!
FREYJA
Now, this isn’t fair! He’s always pushing
the skiing part and leaves out the other
two!
BIL
Hey, all I got is the damn baskets!
The gods begin to argue loudly.
CHAD
Hey! This isn’t helping! Hey!
DELLING
(checking watch, threatening)
In five and a half hours, I’m gonna kick
some ass in here!
While Chad tries to get the gods in line, JOHN enters with a set of instructions to copy. He sees the chaos, changes his mind and exits.
