Feb07

Ask Señor Cactus

by tonyd on February 7, 2011 at 12:01 am


translated by Mr. Shit
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Clotheshorse Roomie,

Dear Señor Cactus,

My roommate likes to leave his  dirty and clean clothes in various spots all over the apartment.  I’ve tried everything short of picking up after him.  What do you suggest?

Sincerely,

Bill, 21, Cornell U

Dear CHR

Cactus say, two words, “Staple Gun”.   Just staple everything where he leave it, but make sure you video tape it for YouTube.  He’ll either get neater or provide millions with amusement on the Internet.

Headbanger Headaches in NJ

Señor Cactus,

I love my girlfriend, but I can’t stand her taste in TV and music.  If I have to sit through another episode of “Dancing with the Stars” or listen to Justin Beiber one more time, I’m going to lose it.  And she’s incredibly sensitive about this stuff and insist we do things together.  I don’ t give a shit if she plays video games with me or listens to Metallica.  How can I push her away without breaking up with her?

Rich, 18, Sayerville

Dear Headbanger

Cactus say, it simple!  Just be more annoying!  Do everything you can to make being with you during TV time a bad experience.  Fart!  Fart a lot.  Get incredibly drunk too!  Most of all, ask questions!  So many questions that it’s clear, you aren’t paying attention to the show!  Once she can’t watch da show, she’ll have to choose between you and TV.  No contest!  TV always wins!

The Dude Returns

Cactus:

What the Hell?

Signed,
Some Dude

Dear Dude

Cactus say, “the Hell” is what you make of it.  For some, that would be havin’ a big bag of chronic and no paper to roll it with.  Or worse, havin’ a big stack of rollin’ paper with nothing to roll in it!  Dis is my worst nightmare, mon.  I think I have to go hug my stash.

Frustrated in Freeport

Yo Señor Cactus,

What is wrong with women?  I have had three relationships in the last four months.  The first girl broke up with me because she said I didn’t drink enough.  The second girl broke up with me because she said I was too clingy.  And the third girl broke up with me because I was cheap.  What does it take?!

Kevin, Freeport, RI

Dear Unlucky

Cactus say, apparently it takes being a drunken douchebag that know how to make it rain once in a while.  Cactus suggest to stop yer whinin’.  Ya banged three chicks in four months, it’s not a bad battin’ average mon.  Keep swingin’ bro.  Because once ya get dat girl, you’ll be stuck in only her battin’ cage for awhile.

And if you have a question for Señor Cactus email us here!

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Feb06

Your Fratoscope: February 6, 2011

by tonyd on February 6, 2011 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:  Godzilla will stop just short of stepping on your house, but fills your backyard with poop.

Aries:  Your neighbors will bring you a “Welcome to the Neighborhood” gift.  Unfortunately, you moved to a bad neighborhood.  Hope you like your basket of crack.

Taurus:  Gordon Ramsey will yell at you for the way you stack your recyclables for the trash collectors.  He’s not shooting a new reality show, he’s just really annoyed at the way you did it.

Gemini:  You will invent an even bigger Starbucks cup called the “Mega Trenta” which is enough to replace the blood inside an average human being with coffee.

Lemini:  Your Dilbert Calendar maybe be defective.  This week’s Dilbert cartoons just has him yelling profanities and giving you the finger.

Cancer:  Your cat will leave you and sue you for possession of your couch.  It’s okay, he scratched it up anyway.

Leo:  Listen to your heart.  If you make yourself a salad and keep substituting the lettuce for bacon, you’re gonna die.

Virgo:  You’re fired from you job at the fudge factory after being transferred to the packing section.  Turns out, they heard that joke too many times.

Libra:  Your previous roommate will confront your current one and demand to know, “Is this the whore you’re rooming with now?!”

Scorpio:  Just when your job search seem to be going nowhere, you get a job interview with an old friend and apparently, he’ll give you anything you want as long as you don’t tell anyone about his foot fetish and if you walk on his testicles with spiked heels once a week.

Sagittarius:  The star say, relax, no one saw you steal those KitKat bars.  It’s been three weeks.  Just eat them.

Capricorn:  This week you’ll finally get a chance to catch up on your reading.  The judge sentences you to 90 days.

Aquarius:  Green Bay by 12. Bet it all!

Pisces:  A ghost that lives in your house finally reveals itself to you.  It tells you to please close your bathrobe when you walk around the house.

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Feb02

Twitter in Focus: Dave Navarro

by tonyd on February 2, 2011 at 12:01 am

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant is guitarist, Dave Navarro.  I’ve always been a big fan and not just because he married Carmen Electra.  He’s an interesting artist, let’s see if his tweets are just as interesting.

January 31st: “I’ve never stalked ANYONE who didn’t ignore me”

Of course.  If they pay attention to you it makes the stalking WAY awkward.

January 31st:  “Whats the weather like there? RT @frazerrice: @stevemadrid – might be interesting if they base the Warriors in Detroit; NY is too safe now”

Dave does a lot of interaction with his fans.  Lots to tweets.  Hard to keep up.

23 hours ago:  “I’ll take “Biggest Twitter Flirts” for 800, Alex RT @Immafun1: A question regarding @davenavarro6767 was just on Jeopardy! lol”

Damn Dave, don’t you get laid enough?

22 hours ago:  “Had to restart my Blackberry. What to do for the next 5 hours?”

Sounds like you’re going to be tweeting.

22 hours ago:  “In the history of things that turn on, nothing has taken longer to turn on than a Blackberry.”

They are too tiny for my ham-sized fingers.  I imagine for an expert guitarist like yourself,  it is no problem.

22 hours ago:  “Yur lucky you dont live “In The D” RT @OMGitsJessieLee: Its cold as hell tonight, but it’s still warmer than most cities. :)”

New Jersey is about to be coated in 1″ of ice.  Does that count?

21 hours ago:  “Awww thank you @Kayden_Kross ! http://plixi.com/p/73936516”

Oh, man, that’s a lot of popping.  Not the same on the app.

19 hours ago:  “If one more person tells me to read The Secret, they are getting blocked!”

The Secret?  What is this?  Oprah’s twitter?

16 hours ago;  “Multiple angle videos of a UFO over Jerusalem. http://bit.ly/exyqKH”

Hey, Jesus has to travel in SOMETHING.

16 hours ago:  “Highly recommend The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest if you have seen Dragon Tattoo and Played With Fire #lisbethsalander”

Now it is kinda like Oprah’s twitter.

15 hours ago:  “Yes! Best kind! RT @gothgirlproblem: is a gothic lolita even a goth? #gothgirlproblems”

Dave, remember what happened to the Marquis De Sade.

13 hours ago:  “GHOSTUBE http://bit.ly/h8dV2u”

When will ghosts invade the Internet?  That way, I won’t have to stand up to be scared.

13 hours ago:  “Gaspar Noe’s Enter The Void on streaming instantly! I thought for sure I’d get to sleep tonight. Guess not.”

God damn, you tweet more than the guys that invented this.

7 hours ago:  “Now THOSE would look SO good on me! RT @xolorielxo: These are freaking amazing. http://twitpic.com/3vj3xr”

They do look comfortable, I’ll give you that.

7 hours ago:  “Fender Twin for clean/Marshall JCM 900RT @JohnnyB612: @davenavarro6767 I love your clean guitar sound…. What amp/s do you use live???”

Nice!  (I have no idea what that means.)

6 hours ago:  “People talk SO much shit! So unfair! I only deserve like 60%-75% of it. Maybe 80%, tops!”

It’s the haters, Dave.  They love Twitter.

6 hours ago:  “Awww thanks Mommy! :) RT @riss13: @davenavarro6767 ACTUALLY….I don’t think you deserve any of it”

Yes, millionaire Goth man needs your sympathy.

6 hours ago:  “I have a small fraction of followers who for some reason think I am unaware that my Tweets are public.”

Some people do make these tweets that sound like they are chatting with a specific person and don’t know they are public.  I like the tweets that abruptly end and then continue in the next one.

6 hours ago:  “Um… Thank you? I think? HAHA RT @marcus_baby: @davenavarro6767 Love U: http://bit.ly/4F4oMs your custom doll! =)”

Dear Lord!  Dave, you’re a pagan, you know what this means.  You won’t be free of the doll’s curse until you touch it!

5 hours ago:  “… And look what arrived today! All my problems have been solved! http://plixi.com/p/74075939”

If you see the bird that lives there, tell me to fucking stop taking my chocolate cereal.  Crazy fucker.

4 hours ago:  “My chiropractor’s office is so Goth! http://plixi.com/p/74091981”

You laugh, but that’s Jimi Hendrix’s skeleton.

Okay, let’s rate Dave’s tweets.  Wow, there were a lot.  If I had gone back a week, forget it!  Style is a 8, Insanity is a 9 and Mustness is an easy 10.  That’s an overall score of 9.  Dave is one to follow, if you have about 5 hours a day to read his tweets.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

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Jan30

Your Fratoscope: January 30, 2011

by tonyd on January 30, 2011 at 2:40 am

If your birthday is this week:  The brewery down the street will explode and for one brief, shining moment, the street will be full of beer.  Don’t get caught unawares.  Have a clean bucket on hand.

Aries:  Bad news, at the end of an upcoming job interview, your potential employer will punch you in the dick and run out of the room.  You’ll curse a blue streak, shocking everyone on that office floor.  But good news, turns out the guy that punched you didn’t even work there.

Taurus:  The stars say, stop going to that massage parlor with the Emo massage girls.  They ruin happy endings.

Gemini:  Don’t go to the office today.  One of the secretaries is having a birthday and there is an odd number slices of cake.  Wouldn’t you rather have a day off than cake?

Lemini:  Your History Term Paper is so riddled with inaccuracies, you are demoted to the special remedial classes reserved for college students with severe brain damage.

Cancer:   This week, Stacy Keibler will lean on your car.  You won’t mind

Leo:  The stars say, you will be pantsed this week, probably at work.  Wear clean underwear for once.

Virgo:  Stiff the waitress, she didn’t forget your home fries, she got hungry waiting for you pancakes.

Libra:  The present you buy for a close associate will be greatly appreciated.  Almost no one ever buys their bookie a gift.

Scorpio:  If you want to stop getting so much junk mail, stop fucking the mailman every time the Post Office assigns a new one.

Sagittarius:  The good news is, you remember where you left your lost wedding room.  The bad news is, it’s on the nightstand in that brothel.

Capricorn:  You roommate will do a lot of moaning and bed creaking tonight.  Tell him to masturbate when you’re not there next time.

Aquarius:  You will find a used condom in your wastepaper basket and distinct butt cheek marks on your desk at work.  Time to fire that co-ed cleaning crew.

Pisces:  Your beer pong game gets out of hand.  Remember, never play against Charlie Sheen.  Ever.

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