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A Dick in Time
Mar03

Character Bio: Brother Buzzkill

by tonyd on March 3, 2011 at 12:52 am

Name: Edward “Buzz” De Philio, Brother Buzzkill

Rank: President, Lambda Sigma Rho

Superpowers: Sonic Boom Voice, Worrying

Buzzkill hails from Trenton, New Jersey and became president of Lambda Sigma Rho because he’s the only responsible upperclassman in the frat.  Buzz thought Ryesmore University would be a stepping stone to high society, but instead he’s discovered that most rich people at Ryesmore are assholes.  He’s usually the only bro that attempts to stop the rest of the frat from doing something crazy, but over the years they’ve worn him down and his pleas get less and less enthusiastic.

Buzz has a crush on Heather Dupris, a bitchy sorority girl way out of his league, but it doesn’t stop Buzz from trying to impress her.  Amber, one of the girls that hangs out at the frat would love to date, Buzz, but he is blinded by his goal.  Buzz sometimes tutors Dick, an impossible task.

GPA: 1.6

Major: Business

First Appearance: Emergency Meeting

Buzz’s Fratster’s Profile

└ Tags: brother, Buzz, Buzzkill, character bio, Edward Dephilio, Lambda Sigma Rho, president
Comments Off on Character Bio: Brother Buzzkill
Mar02

Twitter in Focus: Charlie Sheen

by tonyd on March 2, 2011 at 1:31 am

Bros, welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.

I know, I know. You didn’t know that Charlie Sheen, Lord of the ‘Gine, had a Twitter account. Well it just went live yesterday and already has half of a million followers. We may need a weekly (or daily) Charlie Sheen update just to keep up. The man is clearly a legend and his visage should be enshrined in every frat house in the US. Let us now analyze the words of wisdom from the man who gets more pussy than a cat lady covered in tuna fish.

It’s rare that I get to analyze a Twitter account in its entirety, but here goes.

5 hours ago: “Winning..! Choose your Vice… #winning #chooseyourvice http://twitpic.com/455ly9”

This is a tough choice, bros. Chocolate milk or girl with large breasts? Sure, the girl is hot, but chocolate milk is delicious. What Lord Charlie is saying to us is, you don’t have to “choose” a vice. You can have all the vices, good and bad, because that’s what winning means. Having it all.

3 hours ago: “Just got invited to do the Nancy Grace show… I’d rather go on a long road trip with Chuck Lorre in a ’75 Pacer….”

I’d rather have my balls stapled to a wild boar. If there’s any proof that Charlie Sheen is still sane, it’s right in that tweet.

3 hours ago: “Winner..! 2012… #winner http://twitpic.com/4575pd”

I could totally see him winning one. C’mon, bros. He was in Platoon, remember?

1 hour ago: “The only watch that keeps Warlock time – Class of 1927 ring “Bambino U” #winning http://twitpic.com/458bdr”

Ah, now it becomes clear. Charlie has sold his soul to the devil for a nice watch and endless pussy. And, I think, a ring belonging to Babe Ruth. Not a bad trade. People have gotten a lot less for their souls. Look at Nancy Grace.

42 minutes ago: “My sons’ are fine… My path is now clear… Defeat is not an option..!”

I don’t know how they’re going to live up you, man. It’ll take a harem, a Playboy mansion and four years as a pimp, minimum.

32 minutes ago: “@WilmaFingerDoo You too!! LOL….”

I think Charlie here is probably lining up a four-way. Must be exhausting being him.

5 hours ago: “@BobMaron It took America’s biggest national story to get you tweeting again? Is that watch in the pic one that came from you?”

Charlie Sheen is a one-man revolution, so it makes sense to me.

Most of those bloopers aren’t even Charlie’s. Probably because he’s nice and relaxed after banging a production assistant. All right, let’s rate Charlie’s tweets. What can I say? Style is a 10, Insanity a 10 and Mustness, an absolute 10. There is a new king of twitter and his name is Charlie Sheen.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

└ Tags: actor, Bree Olson, celebrity, Charlie Sheen, comedy, funny, humor, pictures, Platoon, pornstar, Super Frat, Tony DiGerolamo, tweet, Twitter, Two and a Half Men, video
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Feb27

Your Fratoscope: February 27, 2011

by tonyd on February 27, 2011 at 2:25 am

If your birthday is this week:   Your Oscar picks are way off and you’re probably one of the few people to even see “Tooth Fairy” with Dwayne Johnson.

Aries:    Don’t give up on your childhood dreams.  Someday, you will own a store that sells racecars made out of candy.

Taurus:   This week, you will consider changing your long distance provider, then decide against it because you’re such a pussy.

Gemini:   Normally, streaking across campus is considered cheeky, wacky fun, but at 43, the stars say it’s time to stop.

Lemini:   You’re masturbating to this?  Really?  What is wrong with you?

Cancer:   Your Blockbuster clerk will beg you to rent 15 movies this week.  Sadly, you’re just there for some candy.

Leo:  This week, the stars say you will finally pass the 15th level.  Maybe it’s time to put on pants and check in to see if you still have a job.

Virgo:   You will trip and fall during a climb, getting your arm pinned under a rock.  Seeing no other choice, you’ll begin to saw your own arm off.  That’s when your climbing partner will turn to you and say, “Dude, what the Hell are you doing?”

Libra:   The stars say, you’re not fooling anyone with your “ironic” hipster Oscar party.  Just watch them because you like it, okay?  Your friends just want to get drunk.

Scorpio:   The stars say, you’re not fooling anyone with your Oscar party.  Your friends have been to your orgies before.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, you’re not fooling anyone with your Oscar party.  You don’t have any friends.

Capricorn:   Your tuba playing hasn’t improved since you started playing a year ago, maybe it’s time to give up before your unstable neighbor downstairs comes up and beats you to death with it.

Aquarius:  You’re damn right that tuba shit better stop!

Pisces:  You find a freak multicolored M&M in your bag.  Nice!

└ Tags: Aires, Aquarius, astrology, Cancer, Capricorn, fratoscope, Gemini, horoscope, Lemini, Leo, Libra, Pisces, Sagittarius, Scorpio, signs, Super Frat, Taurus, Tony DiGerolamo, Virgo, Your Fratoscope, zodiac
Comments Off on Your Fratoscope: February 27, 2011
Feb23

Twitter in Focus: Bree Olson

by tonyd on February 23, 2011 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die!  Yes, it’s that time of year again!  Time to read the tweets of a pornstar so I have an excuse to post the pictures and links.  This week’s contestant is Charlie Sheen arm candy, Bree Olson.  Let’s see what she tweets!

February 14th:  “TODAY IS GONNA BE THE BEST VALENTINES DAY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Hmmm.  What kind of gifts do you get a pornstar?

February 15th: “Getting fucked in the ass today by a big black dick then going to talk to Dr.Drew tonight on his radio show (is it still called loveline?)”

Better stretch first.

February 16th: “What is your opinion of porn stars/ porn actresses?”

There’s a difference between pornstars and porn actresses? I thought the whole point of getting into porn was because everyone’s a star!

February 17th: “I loved the responses to my last question! Over 1,000 replies! You guys rock! You are super sweet! I love reading about your thoughts! :)”

Wow, you’re good Bree. You could almost make someone believe that black dick was his.

February 17th: “For all of you that ask, “Bree, when’s the next time you’ll be in my (state city etc)” check out my calendar FOR FREE at BreeOlson.com”

Nice balance of responses and plugs. I respect that.

February 17th: “Wish I was a cheap $20 hooker laying in this bed and one guy after another would come in this room and cum inside me while I just lay here.”

Your wish is just one crack pipe away.

February 17th: “I’m ready for the calm after the storm.”

Um, okay. Kind of a non-sequitur.

February 18th: “If I could describe the sex life of myself, Bree Olson in one word it would be “roulette”. What would your word be for my sex life?”

DNA-filled?

February 18th: “My life is changing, spinning and going amazing! Couldn’t be happier! :)”

Good for you. Remember, bank that porn money and Charlie Sheen jewelry for down the road. You don’t want to have to take in the face when you’re a GILF.

February 19th: “Give me some advice: I don’t care what it pertains to, let me have it, let’s see what ya got! ;)”

Get a regular blood test and don’t pace yourself with Charlie.

February 20th: “The Giving Tree…. Great book. Look into that. It’s like a novel summed up into like…20 pages.”

It is a children’s book, plus its also an illustrated book, so it’s kind of like a comic book. You can do a lot with 20 pages in a comic. Like in issue #58 of Bart Simpson, on sale at a comic book store near you, Bree!

21 hours ago: “Spent my evening on a yacht watching Jaws for the first time in my life. It was pretty much, an amazing experience. Yeah… ;)”

Wait until you see Jaws 3D with Dennis Quaid. You’ll wish a shark had eaten your face so you don’t have to sit through the end.

18 hours ago: “I’d like a hot blonde to play with right now. I’m picturing her in an oversized mens button up dress shirt laying down legs spread. Mmmmm”

You do good work, Bree.

4 hours ago: “Mmmmm I’m feeling frisky. http://plixi.com/p/79300592”

Not bad, but I think we can do better.

All right, let’s rate Bree’s ti— I mean, tweets. Had a balance of plugs, responses and shameless erotic pandering. Definitely one of the finer pornstars we’ve examined. For Style, I give her a 9, For Mustness a 9 and because she parties with Charlie Sheen, Insanity gets a 10. That’s a 9.3. Totally worth following, if only for the occasional sexy pic tweet.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

└ Tags: Bree Olson, Charlie Sheen, comedy, funny, humor, pornstar, social media, Super Frat, Tony DiGerolamo, tweets, Twitter in Focus
Comments Off on Twitter in Focus: Bree Olson
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