If your birthday is this week: Just like in Toy Story, your toys will come to life to remember the good old days when you played with them. Unfortunately, they’re pretty pissed off because you used to stuff them with firecrackers. Say goodbye to your wallet and car keys.
Aries: Your Chinese food comes with a cat collar in it. When you point this out to the take out guy, he routinely tells you that you got the wrong order and hands you another bag.
Taurus: The stars say, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. Fortunately in your case, no one gives a shit about you.
Gemini: This week will be hot as fuck, just like last week. Seriously, what were you expecting?
Lemini: You’ll feel sorry for that guy on the Interstate selling oranges in the hot sun. That is, until he goes over to his new Mercedes to break your twenty.
Cancer: You’re gonna get punched in the junk this week. On the upside, you’ll vomit on your attacker.
Leo: You’ll buy a shirt that looks ugly to everyone but you.
Virgo: You will get a full body massage from John Rhys Davies. Sorry.
Libra: The stars say, for Christ’s sake just pick the soup or salad. It’s not a God damned life decision.
Scorpio: Your sex partners call off the reunion. The stadium won’t hold everybody.
Sagittarius: You spread laughter and joy wherever you go, mostly because people like to make fun of fatties like yourself.
Capricorn: This week your jello will not come to life, you’ll just be really, really high. Ignore the screams and keep chewing.
Aquarius: Your therapist will get a restraining order against you. Nothing personal, you’re just really fucked up.
Pisces: Stop planking. It’s over. It’s been over.
