On this episode, we check out West Cape May before the hurricane.
On this episode, we check out West Cape May before the hurricane.
If your birthday is this week: Your pizza will arrive on time, mostly because hurricane winds drop the pizza parlor in your front yard.
Aries: Ignore your normal instincts this week, Aries. When your house collapses, it’s best not to update your Facebook status before calling 911.
Taurus: You will receive a new gift of patio furniture at 115 mph.
Gemini: Your ice cream making contest is ill-timed this week, fortunately, everyone likes milkshakes in a disaster.
Lemini: Don’t forget your wallet, they’ll need to identify your torso after the storm.
Cancer: You will have one of the longest streaks of luck at a Atlantic City blackjack table, mainly because the Coast Guard will find you floating on it before you die of exposure.
Leo: The stars say, your pet will blow away during the storm. Maybe you should’ve just let your Chihuahua shit on the carpet.
Virgo: Despite the weather events the past week or so, volcano insurance is still a bad investment.
Libra: You will come up with a hilarious tweet just before the power goes out.
Scorpio: This week, you’ll attempt to stock up on supplies for the storm. Fortunately, the store still has plenty of lube and anal beads. Sadly, none of the generators they sell will connect to your vibrator.
Sagittarius: Your choice to hide in the zoo’s gorilla exhibit during the hurricane is a poor one. Turns out, storms make gorillas extremely horny.
Capricorn: You should panic as the storm comes. You need the exercise.
Aquarius: Your comic book collection will get completely swamped when your basement floods. This will save you the embarrassment of attempting to sell your entire run of Valiant, Dagger, Defiant and NOW comics.
Pisces: The power outage from the storm will finally give you the time you need to complete your unholy experiments against Nature and God.
Time for the news, bros. It’s boring, so it might as well be short. Here now are the headlines, rewritten so you don’ t have to read them.
Real: Hurricane Irene Prompts College to Change Move-In Plans
Rewritten: Gaining of the Freshman 15 Delayed
Real: Lenny Dykstra Charged With Indecent Exposure in Los Angeles
Rewritten: Famous Athlete No Longer Famous Enough to Have the Police Let Him Go
Real: Sarah Jessica Parker: No ‘Sex in the City 3’ This Year
Rewritten: Movies to Suck Less This Year
Real: Sex with Neanderthals Strengthen Modern Humans Immune System: Study
Rewritten: Scientist Discover Way to Make Study Interesting
Real: Half of all U.S. Adults Will Be Obese by 2030, Report Says
Rewritten: Krispy Kreme Franchises to Double by 2030
Real: Mummar Qadhafi Obsessed with Condolezza Rice?
Rewritten: War Criminal Admires Other War Criminal
Hey Bros!
Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die. Today we take a look at Fred Willard’s tweets. Can’t believe I hadn’t stumbled upon his Twitter account sooner. He is not unlike a comedy god that breathes funniness upon the land. Let’s see how his tweets stack up.
August 14th: “If you tell a # joke in the forest and no one is there to hear it, is it still funny?”
Only if you’re getting at least two bars to tweet it.
August 15th: “My followers live in the U.S. (59.8%), the U.K. (7.6%) & Canada (5.4%) [top 3]. Find yours at http://twocation.com/”
73.6% in the US for me. I gotta broaden my international appeal. Denmark, get your shit together.
August 16th: “Had lunch with Martin Mull. Many laughs. We’re going to do some # Fernwood 2Night live shows.”
Awesome. Sign me up. Fernwood 2night rocks if you haven’t seen it.
August 21st: “Ty Burrell on # Modern Family…hilarious. “No,No, No I want the most dangerous reptile you got.””
Hmm, didn’t watch that show. But if comedy god likes it, I might have to start.
August 21st: “On A Clear Day You Can Pee Forever #typofilms”
Also a really disturbing porno.
August 21st: “Escape To Bitch Mountain #typofilms”
Wouldn’t you want to get away from that mountain?
August 21st: “Johnny Got His Nun #typofilms”
Also a really disturbing porno.
August 21st: “Breast in Show #typofilms”
Damn, there must be like two dozen of these. He is working the twitter.
August 21st: “My Boyfriend’s Black #typofilms”
I think you’ve been hanging around Daniel Tosh too long.
August 21st: “I’m all out! Good night!”
Try the veal! Tip your waitress!
August 21st: “one more!! Shaving Private Ryan #typofilms”
That one is definitely a porno.
August 22nd: “Tonight took part in Celebrity Autobio. Loraine.Newman,Jen Tilly,Roger Bart,IlianaDouglas,Tate Donavan,Will Forte. Great fun.”
Genius! Couldn’t find one with you, but here’s one with Kristen Wiig. What they should do is start reading it and have the audience guess which celebrity it is.
5 hours ago: “So, now what can they say about Los Angeles? “How can you live there? All those earthquakes?””
Now all the rest of the country has to do is set itself on fire, put it out with a flood and spread gang violence coast to coast then every place would be like L.A.
Okay, let’s rate Fred’s tweets. Man, he’s relentless. Replying, retweeting and tweeting. Mustness is definitely a 10, Style is a 9 and Insanity also a 9. Fred is definitely in the top ten, maybe the top five with an overall score of 9.3. Nice.
And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.
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Beta Male
Between the Realms
Black Tail and Marz
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The Funnicks
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The Hero Business
Hit Girlz
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