If your birthday is this week: You will discover that people get drunk and go to the beach, not because of other reasons than your birth.
Aries: You will wish they could all be California Girls, mainly because they always seem to have the best weed.
Taurus: In honor of the late vets, you will triple the fireworks display, unfortunately this will set off the PTSD of some of the living vets. Maybe just stick to making hot dogs on the grill.
Gemini: You will not get sun poisoning this year during your Memorial Day Weekend getaway. Unfortunately, that’s only because you spend the entire weekend in traffic.
Lemini: You will attend the Memorial Day parade for reasons that most Americans do: parades are free and it’s a prefect place to get drunk outside.
Cancer: The stars say, you might want to lose some weight before lying on the beach. A group of whale huggers will attempt to pull you back into the ocean when you try and get a tan.
Leo: Your plan to keep your pool unclean and disgusting pays off, as volunteers line up to help you clean it for the weekend.
Virgo: This week, Costco will run out of hotdogs. You’ll be fucking amazed at that.
Libra: Your front lawn memorial to fallen troops is protested by your neighbors. They say it’s because Stormtroopers only exist in the Star Wars movies, but that doesn’t matter to you.
Scorpio: You’ll discover that this is the wrong week to do a dare bang inside a veterans cemetery.
Sagittarius: Your attempt at cooking the world’s largest hot dog starts the world’s largest weenie-roast-related forest fire.
Capricorn: You decide to work this weekend, but you spend most of the time reading text messages from your friends like, “Working? Today? Are you retarded?”
Aquarius: On this solemn day, you remember war isn’t funny, unless it’s on YouTube.
Pisces: You will discover that wandering your neighborhood and drifting into random barbecues is a pretty easy way to get free hamburgers this weekend.
